Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Cyber bullies are just plain mean. They are worse than the playground bullies who steal lunch money because they can. They can hide behind their screens and not worry about the consequences because they never get to see their victim's reaction. They are safe at home, tucked away with their computers, aided by anonymity that comes with this business called the Internet.
Cyber bullies are cruel. People seem to think it's okay to attack people if they leave out the victim's name (which, by the way, doesn't fool anyone. Anyone who knows you knows exactly who you are referring to.) or okay to poke fun because what's so harmless about a few words, right?
Tell that to the parents of Megan Meier.
Megan was only three weeks shy of her 14th birthday when she committed suicide. She had been bullied by a guy she thought was cute. Turns out, the "cute guy" was the parents of one of Megan's old friends who were mad that Megan had ended the friendship. Yes, adults were telling a thirteen year old girl that "Everybody in O’Fallon knows how you are. You are a bad person and everybody hates you. Have a shitty rest of your life. The world would be a better place without you." (found here)
This is beyond wrong.
People are using their words to victimize innocent people. Finally, the media is starting to pay attention and efforts are being made to draw attention to this issue. ABC Family made a movie called "Cyberbu//y" (or Cyberbully, depending on where it's written) starring Kay Panabaker and Emily Osment. While it is an ABC Family movie, and therefore fairly cheesy, it's got a very clear point. It's a good movie, and I think it should be shown in every 5th through 12th grade classroom in the country. This generation doesn't realize that there are consequences behind their words. If it's typed instead of yelled, words instead of fists, we tend to brush it off as harmless. We don't see the pain it causes directly in front of us, so it's totally okay, right?
This generation could not be more wrong.
I will admit that I am not perfect. I have made the mistake in the past of not thinking before posting. I have been less than pleasant online, and I am ashamed of it.
I have also been the victim of this offense. I was recently attacked online (my name was not mentioned, but it was made very clear who they were referring to) and at first, I laughed it off. I thought it was funny that this person felt the need to insult me. However, as the night went on, I felt myself getting angry ("who the hell is she to say these things?") and then hurt ("why did she say that? what did I do?"), ending up in tears and sobbing to my roommate. I am still stung and shocked by what was said. I don't think I will ever understand the need to harshly attack someone down to their core. I can never comprehend the out and out viciousness necessary to be that cold-hearted and mean. I mean, my friends and I tease each other, but we are never seriously trying to harm anyone.
So, let's work on passing this message around. Let's join together and stop this epidemic of cruelty. No one should ever have to feel hurt so badly that ending their life is easier than living it. Write your congressperson asking about your state's policy on cyberbullying. Tell a friend. Spread the news about this epidemic. Maybe, just maybe, if we all pull together, we can end this vicious cycle and all become better human beings because of it. Maybe someday we will compliment each other instead of tearing each other down.
Maybe, someday, the world will be a nice place.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I tiptoed into my old room tonight. I say tiptoe because it is a disaster zone in more ways than one. Apparently it is currently the storage room for all of my dad's referee gear. my old bed, covered in black and white stripes. stuff is everywhere, a mix of my old memories and my dad's new hobby. Such a strange contrast.
This place no longer feels like home. It hasn't in a very, very long time. It's strange - I feel as though I'm visiting a long lost friend, someone I used to know but I can't seem to remember very many details about anymore.
I can almost detach my self entirely from this place. That is, until I spot it.
The one reminder I have of him. The glaring reminder of the girl I once was - clingy, emotional, unstable. He gave me that as a spur of the moment gift, a simple surprise when he returned from a family vacation. So childlike, now all I see is how he saw me. I was just a warm body to him. I was someone to care for him while he longed for her. I was so naive, so childlike in my belief that he really did want me for me. That maybe this isn't some temporary high school thing. Maybe this time it would last.
He made a fool out of me. I will always wish I had listened to my sister, my friends, when they warned me. All they wanted to do was protect me, and I blew them off. Now, there is a two foot, fuzzy, bright yellow duck reminding me of my mistake.
It strikes me as funny now. I've lost the necklaces, the earrings, the little trinkets I had collected from him and the others. I'm sure they're here somewhere, and I have one I really, really wish I could find (the one before him was a kind boy, a good one, who I foolishly let go) but the valuable items have vanished, yet this ridiculous, $10 stuffed animal remains to haunt me. It has the cheesy exaggerated eyelashes, the comical big eyes, that remind me over and over of my childlike ideas. Somehow, though, I won't allow my parents to get rid of it. That damn duck reminds me of how far I've come, and just how much I could have lost.
I turned into the innocent blithering idiot again, five years later. Luckily the only remainder of that moment is the lingering scars on my pride. Maybe someday I can get rid of the duck, but for now, it has to keep me tethered to my past so that my present and future self won't repeat history.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Remember the situation I mentioned before? The ego-crushing one?
Well, I figure if y'all are still reading, you deserve an update:
I haven't talked to either one of the other people involved in over a month now. It's not a concious choice, it just kinda happened this way. I miss them, sure, but I don't necessarily need them in my life anymore. Clearly, we weren't exactly the greatest situation ever to occur, and I really enjoy life without stress, so I think for now it's best that we're staying distant. I hear they're going strong, and good for them. We all need someone to anchor us in this whirly twirly world, and they both can help each other in ways I could never have.
I re-read his blog today, just killing time at work, when I realized something. When him and I were talking, we always joked about him making me a cheesecake. I have grown to love cheesecake - I hated it as a child, but now I crave it on occasion. He apparently makes cheesecake - I've never had any of his, but hey if the man can bake heaven I'm always willing to try. He once told me he was working on a few new recipes - a cheesecake bread and cheesecake cookies. Now, I am a carb lover. Hand me a slice of wheat bread with butter and I'm a happy girl. Cheesecake bread? Hell yes please!
So here's the funny part about the cheesecake. Ever since he stopped talking to me, I haven't craved it at all. not once. I mean, I had some at Thanksgiving, but I haven't had the "I have to drive to Safeway at midnight because I want cheesecake RIGHT NOW" feeling. It's strange, how you associate certain feelings and/or foods to certain people.
So there's the update on the situation, and now an update on me:
I'm happy. It's weird, I know. I shouldn't be, considering I think I just failed two finals, and I still have a final, a paper, a website, and a proposal to finish, not to mention all of the family scares that have been pummeling me all term, but I actually am.
I don't need a man right now. I am staying with my double degree as-is, but am not going to Spain next summer - I just cannot afford it, and I would rather go and experience Spain as a vacation rather than studying the whole time I'm there. My Spanish is not up to par to live in Spain yet.
Next summer, I'll stay in town and enjoy a summer free of class. I will get to settle in and explore the town, and visit friends.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I have never been this stoked to see this wonderful twelfth month. I have no idea why I'm so happy to see it, but man, oh man, am I happy!
Maybe because my roommate will finally allow me to bust out the Christmas movies, music, and decorations. (She's firm believer in waiting til December, while I'm more of the day after Thanksgiving type...) Maybe it's due to the fact that in 6 days I will finally be DONE with this terrible, terrible term. Either way, I'm practically giddy when I'm not worrying about two finals tomorrow, a final paper, a final proposal, and one last final exam on Wednesday..... so actually I'm not really giddy ever. except right now.
Best part of this month? Today. I love today. Today, I was told the best news I have heard in awhile - I get my braces off in January!!!!!!!!!! Yes, the excessive exclamation marks are necessary. This is my second round of metal mouth (thanks, twelve year molars. jerks.) and I am so ready to be done! The stupid sore lips, the mind numbing tooth pain..... all I can say is halle-freakin-lluia! On January 16, I will be able to eat corn on the cob, caramel, whole apples...... oh my mouth is already watering. Of course, I'll have nerdy retainers for awhile, but no more embarrasing food stuck in metal moments! No more rubber bands manipulating my jaw! No more having to pick what color! Well.... actually I didn't pick them this time around. I made the hygenist do it every time - I've had some awesome color combinations, let me tell you. For my final six weeks of metal, I am rocking a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme thanks to the new girl - green chain across the top, an awesome pink across the bottom. I've had blue several times, a teal and pink combo, a nice pale lavender, and I can't even remember what all they've done to me. I made friends with one hygenist -Val. She got her braces on around the same time as me, and she's been there every single time I've gone in. I love her - she's hilarious, and she actually lives in the same town as my old rival high school. She is jealous that I'm done with these bad boys already - I got them on the day before Thanksgiving 2010 :)
You know what I'm thinking?
No more braces = complete makeover......possibly?
Maybe I'll chat with my hair lady - highlights or lowlights? New 'do? (Probably not the new 'do, since my current one works sooooo well with my hair. Trust me, it's taken me 20 years to find something that works up or down!)
Maybe I'll reward myself with new clothes. or shoes. or a book. or something electronic. who knows?
This is one happy girl right now. I'm almost done with the term from hell so get ready for more posting! I'm also done with drama. Blech. We'll see how long that lasts - drama finds me, I swear. I have no idea how, but it does. yucky.
So, until next week, I'll leave you with one of my favorite tunes of the season:
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I just re read my pathetic number of posts these past few months.
I am utterly in shock at myself.
How did I let people get to me? How did I let myself lose sight of my dreams, my personality, me?
I guess someday I'll look back and see this as a good thing, maybe. Right now though? I am a little disappointed in myself. I let the little things control me and change me. I am not this mopey, depressed person that I let myself become. I am not the girl who lets people tell her who to be and how to act. I am not the girl who lets idiots run her life for her.
I need to take control of my own happiness. From now on I am going to try my hardest to appreciate small blessings, such as the heat in my apartment and the food in my fridge. I am going to stop trying to force things to go my way, but I'm not going to stop working towards my goal. I like my life. I hate the stress I've forced upon myself.
So, here's hoping that soon I can post a happy post rather than a sad, angry, or dejected dribble.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Ok, my last post got a little whiny and desperate at the end. (Not kosher, Heidi!) Sorry guys!
It was a weird weekend. Friday was spent sleeping until 2 or 3 due to no sleep the previous two nights (do you know how hard it is to sleep when stressed out??), followed by a few episodes of Felicity (thanks to Camilla for mentioning it & sparking my curiosity) and work. Then a mini marathon of Felicity until 3 AM (what? the show is AWESOME.)
Saturday was an interesting day. I did absolutely nothing! Well, nothing productive anyways. I worked all day, which basically consisted of me watching Hulu while waiting for patients. I came home & curled up with my laptop to clear out my Hulu queue while a friend came over and did laundry. Sadly, hormones got the best of me and i ended up crying myself to sleep over stupid crap.
Sunday was fabulous! Although it started terribly because my alarm clock decided to break on me and made me 20 minutes late for work, work was slow and we even got let go three minutes early! (considering we usually are kept 15 minutes late, that's a big deal...)
Then came the best part of the weekend. My good work friend, Shiloh, turned 26 on Thursday and had a little get together on Sunday at her place. Her fiance, Will, cooked up delicious pork ribs (I don't really care for any pork products, but damn those ribs were good!), potatoes with onions, and threw together a delicious salad. There were raspberry lemonade martinis before dinner (I'll admit, I had a diluted one in a port glass, but it lasted me a good three hours. yuuuuck.) and champagne with dinner (two sips & I was done. How do people drink that stuff???). However, after dinner is when it got hilarious! We pulled out the cards and I got my ass whooped in Bullshit. Then out came Uno. Have you ever played Couples' Uno? It's the same as regular Uno, but you get a partner who you can trade cards with if they get stuck. It makes the game go by super quick.
We ended up just sitting around and chatting until 11:30, the four of us left at the end. It was so nice to just kick back and forget my troubles for a few hours. I met some really nice people, and I can't wait to work with all of them while planning Shiloh & Will's wedding.
Now? Now it's time I work on me. I need to work on letting go of certain people who don't deserve my friendship, and to work on putting myself back together. I got so overwhelmed Sunday that I felt like I couldn't breathe from all the crap weighing on my mind. I need to spend time focusing on me and my issues. I need to relearn how to breathe. I need to laugh and smile more, cry and worry less. Wish me luck!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
You know the saying "when it rains, it pours"?
Well y'all, my life is currently in the middle of a Texan hurricane mixed with an Oregon thunderstorm.
To spare you all the gory details, and to maintain a tiny piece of my dignity, I'm just gonna leave it at a lot of family going through hard times mixed with the stress of a hard term.
Everyone has their own way of handling these times, usually involving bad choices. Me? Well, my drug of choice is food. And a lot of overthinking. Me and cookie dough and a lot of crying.
Currently, my thoughts have revolved around the losses. Loss of self respect, loss of self esteem, and more often than not, loss of friends.
Somehow, technology has created a false sense of friendship. Lemme tell ya, delete your Facebook and you really find out who your friends are. Turns out people don't care if your life isn't conviniently laid out mixed among the pathetic lives of others. My life has become significantly less social. People have walked out of my life like I never existed.
On one hand, what hurts most is that right now is when I need my friends more than ever. On the other hand, I'm glad I finally know who cares enough to check on me, through the ugly times as well as when everything is peachy keen. I like knowing who I can trust to be there for me. Makes my life clear and simple.
Although there's been a few surprising walkouts. The cause? Significant others. Yeah, I get the new relationship can't keep your hands off each other stage. However, what about friendships? If your life revolves around one person, don't you get fed up and sick of each other? How do you let relationships that you spent months, years building just slip down the drain? How can you just stop caring?
How can you let me hurt and not care?
How can we go from talking every day to never speaking to each other?
What happened to us?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Today's topic: how old school and uncool I am :)
I may be up to date on technology and some of the new music out there, but in other ways I'm a sixty year old woman.
For example, I'll start with the number one reason I'm now considered old fashioned:
I am still a virgin.
Yeah, shocker. A twenty year old who is still a virgin simply because I want to be. I don't think sex should be taken so lightly. I won't be pressured into sleeping around because, well, I really don't see the point. There's no physical act more personal and intimate, and I think it should be saved for a specific person. Call me old school, but I'd rather wait til there's a ring on my finger and a signed piece of paper before I give it up.
No, I don't believe this for religious reasons. No, I'm not just saying so because I'm scared. I simply would rather wait and avoid possible complications like STDs or pregnancy.
Reason number 2 that I'm lame? I don't think the world should revolve around having the newest technology. Yes, I have a smart phone, an ipod shuffle, and a laptop. However, I recently deleted my Facebook account and have made a concious effort to text less because technology was taking over my life. I wish I could have the hours I spent on FB back, because, honestly, I have been missing humanity. I wouldn't have had such a great weekend without human contact. Its the human touch, the laughter ringing around me that makes my life great. I would rather meet for coffee than catch up via text.
On to numero tres: I prefer hard, ink-on-paper, heavy books in front of me to the new e-readers. Screw convinience, I like to smell the ink, the old bookstore finds.
Other ways I'm now considered lame: I don't date just to have someone. If I'm not feelin' it, it ain't gonna happen. I'm comfortable being alone. Yes, I like all the benefits of a relationship, but I don't want one that I'm not emotionally invested in. I prefer to actually like the guy, not string him on as a plaything until I'm bored.
Also, I don't feel like I need to dress a certain way. I prefer my jeans, sweatshirts, and flats. Today, I saw a) a girl wearing a men's button-down shirt over spandex shorts (nothing left to the imagination I promise), b) leggings as pants (ew) and c) a plethora of skirts the size of band aids. Mind you, I live in Oregon, and today's high was a whopping 55 degrees. Jiminey crickets, ladies, cover up! I felt sorry for y'all, freezing your lady parts just to look "attractive". Trust me, blue is never attractive unless you live in Pandora.
That reminds me. Apparently my country side comes out a bit. And by a bit I mean a lot. Tack that on to the list of lame qualities I have, and you get a backwoods 70 year old grandma.
Funny thing is, though, I honestly don't care. I actually enjoy having self respect. Now, let me clear this up - I don't care if you do any of the above that I don't. To each their own. If you like sleeping around, and you feel good about it, then do it. If you like freezing your parts off feel free. Just know that a) I will never join you and b) I actually pity your frozen parts.
I'm learning to embrace me as myself. All of me. Lame, awesome, every little thing. Try it!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sorry, couldn't resist a little Rebecca Black for y'all.
Nothing like a good weekend, right? I spent the weekend with Tayleranne, watching footloose, volleyball games, and remember what makes a good friend. I love having a laidback, chill weekend full of laughter and reconnecting.
This weekend was just what I needed. I've been so down and out lately that I was missing out. With stress piling up, I couldn't pull my head outta my worries to notice the leaves changing. With insult being added to injury, I let someone make me feel insecure and unhappy instead of letting their issues slide off my back.
So here's to weekend therapy. Here's to reconnecting with life, being able to laugh at the ridiculous, and remembering to let go. Thank you, Tay, for helping me!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I miss being crazy busy spring term.
I miss english classes, with people who understood me.
I miss being at home, riding my Baby girl. (She's a mule, for those of you who don't know)
I miss when my biggest concern was which color crayon I wanted.
I miss living within half an hour of all my friends back home.
I miss a lot of things today. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could go back 5 years and keep myself from losing a great guy. I wish I could go back two years and keep my cool about a ridiculous situation that resulted in the loss of two friends.
But, while I was miserable thinking about how much I miss the past, an old friend reminded me that the past is closed, and we can just hope for the best for the future. It's weird to call her an old friend since I've only known her for two years, but it feels like I've known her forever.
Anyways, it was during a coffee date with her today. She was talking about a guy she was hoping to be with, and talking about my situation with her made me realize that I'm moping over nothing.
Here's the deal. I've never really been in a situation like this. The emotional rollercoaster drained me. The trying to sort out my feelings, being set aside to figure out issues, and now the complete turnaround has me spinning. I am not good with emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve when I am not hiding from everything. Usually, one look and you can know instantly what mood I'm in. But my best defense mechanism is to just go numb.
I know, I know. It's bad to bottle stuff up, and trust me, it doesn't take me long to explode again. Stupid things like my hair not cooperating can make me bust out in angry tears. But I survived last year by going numb. Cutting out any sort of romantic interests kept my spirits up and kept me powering through. If I keep myself busy as can be, I can't stop and deal with emotions - they work themselves out.
So essentially, my point is that now I am going to be going numb for awhile. Maybe later I can handle dealing with the crazy emotions I keep rolling through, but right now I'm battering down the hatch and buckling down on school work. I am just gonna wish everyone all the happiness I can muster sharing, and then go into turtle mode to protect myself. Who says you need to date in college? Who says you need to care?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I hate to do this, but apparently my last post needs a little clarifying so that certain people don't get upset.
A) I am not mad at anyone. I am mad at my situation.
B) I did not intend that post to be passive aggressive. I was just expressing how I feel since, well, this is america and there's a nice thing called freedom of speech.
C) I am happy for the other two people mentioned. Honestly. I'm glad they are finding happiness together.
D) I don't want him now that he's with her. I honestly am just sad and a little surprised at the quick turnaround. It honestly seems like it doesn't take much to get over me and that smarts a little, especially since my ego already feels like it went 8 rounds with Muhammed Ali and came out losing.
E) I just wish I didn't have to see their happiness while I'm upset. I don't want to end up resenting them.
I am also a little frustrated that my feelings were misconstrued. But I'm gonna keep being myself. Sorry I even had to write this, especially for those of you who got it the first time around. I don't like repeating myself.
Which is weird. Usually, I love fall. I get to get back to doing what I do best - going to school! If I could live my life as a perpetual scholar, I'd be as happy as a clam (never really understood that expression, but oh well).
However, it's a lot of less than fun situations popping up all at once. I was in a sort of emotional relationship - emotional roller coaster, and we never really saw each other - for six months, give or take. Not only did I just end it, but less than a week after I clarified that we're really better off as friends, he's "facebook officially dating" one of my friends. Yes, I gave them my blessing, but awkwardly accidentally following them home across campus just reminded me that I gave up on a chance for happiness, although talking about it with her made me realize it never would have worked with him & I. It was purely intellectual with us, but with them they bond on all levels. It just kinda feels like a sucker punch, seeing that a few hours with her was all that he needed to get over me. I know I'm dramatizing it, but seeing them happy reminded me of how unhappy I am, and how unhappy I've been for a really, really long time. I can't hold it against them. In fact, I'm happy for them. but I'm miserable.
That is my main problem today, but it's added onto the stress that gramma has cancer (easily curable, but still. The c word is not fun.) as well as that this term is the most stressful of my college career, which is weird because it's the lightest load I've had yet.
Mumphy mumphy mumphy. aksbvalkjsbdvaklj. yeah, i'm miserable.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Well, there's been a lot going down with me lately. Spending more time with family due to my grandma's cancer diagnosis (b-cell lymphoma, looks like it could be an easy "fix"), scrambling to get back in school mode, and oh yeah.... it's cold season.
Yep, that's right. Yours truly got taken down with the sniffles and a cough. Thank you, stress, for weakening my immune system. Nothing like having to miss class in the middle of week two to really throw you off your game. Blech.
However, health issues aside, life has been....well, life. No other way to put it. And this is why I haven't been blogging. I don't really have much to say anymore. Nothing interesting anyways. Nothing public, at least. There's a lot I could say to a lot of people, but some things are better left unsaid.
So maybe I'll be posting more, maybe not. We'll ask my brain when it comes back from where ever I seem to have left it....
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I have a thousand things I want to do, but I have no idae how to get them started! Everythng ranging from getting my apartment clean (well, that's just because I'm lazy) to planning out my next five years. I want to have inspiration boards and put all my creative ideas out on paper, but I don't know how. I don't know what my next step is, in any direction.
This is why my little blog has been fairly quiet. I have been at a road block for months now, with ideas that just won't come out. I've opened a new post several times, and then just sat here, staring at all the white space with no words to fill it up.
However, I am now forcing myself to get creative. Next week, I have an entire day planned with just me and the three corkboards I bought three months ago. Magazines, scissors, paper, markers, goals on notecards - whatever I feel like will help me feel like I am actually working towards something worthwhile.
Why am I doing this now?
Because as of last night, my best work friend asked me to plan her wedding. Yep, that's right. This girl just became a wedding planner. I have two years to work out the details, but I'm scared I might have bitten off more than I can chew. We're both fairly indescisive, but she's also picky, so we'll see what happens. I might also be a bridesmaid, maybe. She hasn't decided if she wants two or three (I'd be #3).
So, here's to gettin' my creative-ness flowing. Any wedding planning tips or creativity tips????
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
It seems like lately there's been a blogging slump all across the blogosphere, and its seems that there's a writing slump all over my life.
I can't seem to focus on much of anything lately, but rereading a few favorite blogs of mine reminded me why I started this little shindig in the first place. I got too caught up in reading the "popular blogs" and lost all my self-esteem as a writer. Then, today, it was like a big slap in the face that caught my attention.
This is called "Bumblings" for a reason.
I ramble. I get so lost in my thoughts that I constantly forget what I was saying or why I was saying it. I whine and I blab and I talk. It's what I do. I realized I need to stop caring about the number of followers or the lack of importance of my little web heaven. This is my little life out loud, my screaming at the top of my lungs or pouring my heart and soul into something I am damn proud of. Who cares that my life is lived in jeans and a sweatshirt? (Yes, Oregon weather has been so awful that the sweatshirts are still not stored away yet) Who cares that I don't play games or try to keep a series going?
I like being an original thinker. I like having a way to say what I need to say.
So, my plans? What plans? I prefer living life one baby step at a time. Life is not a set of steps laid down in linear order, or a pretty blueprint with directional arrows. Life is unexpected. Life is out of my hands, so let's see what it throws at me, shall we?
(*the title comes from Toni Morrison's Beloved, a very, uhm, interesting read)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I would like to say that it was because I've been so busy doing interesting and exciting things that I haven't had time, but sadly this is not the case...
Truth? I've been doing the exact same thing I have been doing for the past year and a half: going to classes and going to work. Not exactly thrilling. I'm pretty sure nobody really cares about how business writing or world history 104 are going. In two weeks, even that will be gone from my life and it will simply be work, Netflix, and getting through my giant stack of delectable, unread books.
Honestly, I've gotten a little bored with blogging. Rereading some of my old posts made me realize that all I talk about here is my tiny, boring life. I don't do fashion posts because I'm pretty sure you have to actually care about fashion to do those, I don't do book reviews because I can't stop myself from giving away too much, I don't play the "fill in the blanks" or "awkward and awesome" blog games because, well, I don't really care to repeat the "Myspace survey" phase, and I don't really talk about anything of real importance. All I do is ramble and rant about absolutely nothing, kind of like I am doing right now....
I don't blog about my love life because I don't have one. Seriously, I am a hermit who, at 5'10" and having a rather common face, doesn't exactly have a line of men breaking down my door. There is one guy, but it is more like we are wandering back and forth in front of each other's doors, wondering if we really even want to go there. It's a sticky situation that I am not really sure I want to get into, seeing as how I'm enjoying staying away from screwy head games and awkward dates....
So, dear whoever happens to actually read this, I am sorry for my absence, but it may become a very long one. Unless I get out of a blogging funk or think of anything remotely interesting to write about, I'll probably only be logging in to be a reader and enjoy other brilliant minded-people's thoughts.
Have a wonderful blog break, as I think I need one....
Sunday, June 5, 2011
well, at my high school's graduation on Friday, the speaker made a point about this message.
He wanted to impose wisdom on the graduates, and his words of advice were "Life's not fair. But don't ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER give up."
Imagine a big, older guy - linebacker who graduated in '66, with a deep, booming voice, practically shouting those words into a microphone at you. It definitely leaves an impression!
However, his story of one boy overcoming the odds - the kid who won districts in wrestling by figuring out that all he had to do was a takedown and escape, which gives him three points to his opponent's two every time. The same kid came out to the football field in seventh grade with his pads on backwards because he was going to be a runningback who was so fast they could only tackle him from behind. This kid was the most inspiring. The way Boomer (yes, that was the speaker's nickname) put it was "Charlie didn't know what he couldn't do, so he went ahead and did it anyways."
Charlie's story got me thinking. Yes, life is tough. Soemtimes you can be going along just fine when BOOM. two people near and dear to you get diagnosed with cancer within three weeks of each other. in between diagnoses your stepdad throws in a heart attack. Life is never going to stop testing our strength, and it will never, ever be easy.
However, if we all are like Charlie and just barge ahead, never restricting ourselves with imagined limits like "I can't", I think we'll all find that life can be just a little easier. Life is gonna throw curveballs, but Charlie's story is giving me hope that I can follow the pitch and smack that curveball right back.
It is all a balancing act. Don't focus on the good OR the bad. Take notice of everything. For every good thing there is a bad one, and for every bad there is a good. For every heart attack there is a renewed love of life. For every cancer diagnoses there is a community rallying for support. Just remember to look all around and balance yourself.
Be a Charlie.
Friday, May 27, 2011
you get on a roll, life's going fabulous, and then....
speed bump. the size of the iceberg that sent the Titanic to its icy cold end.
first a facebook chat ending in very sad news about a very dear man whom I adore. literally about 10 minutes after posting my last post. talk about timing. i can't divulge details (it isn't my story to tell), but it definitely wasn't a pleasant discovery.
next up - trouble striking my own family. my dear stepdad had a small heart attack on Sunday. he is okay, and is going to be okay as long as he sticks to his meds, but it was scary. i spent nearly every moment by my mom's side since i got of work sunday until late monday evening. he was released tuesday afternoon and is home and driving mom nuts, so he's back to being good.
right now, i'm playing catch up since i skipped monday & tuesday's classes to be with my family. i have 4 papers to write this weekend, totaling over 20 pages. tonight i have zero motivation to write a single word. horrible, right??
other than these two major bumps, i am hoping life will stay smooth sailing for a bit. we'll see how it all goes, but someone somewhere is definitely keeping me in check.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I am not having problems in any class. minus a couple of papers I need to rework, but those will be handled no problem.
I know who my friends are. I know where I stand with them all. and I'm totally okay with just being a friend in class, or even just a coffee once in awhile. I realize there are spaces I fill, and I don't care if they develop into long lasting lifetime friends or if we just keep in touch on occasion. I mean, I care, but I am not gonna worry about it. If someone doesn't want to bother to make time for me, that's their problem.
I've learned to accept single status, and I am 100% okay with staying that way. Relationships are messy, and complicated, and time consuming. I don't have the time to deal with any of that business right now. I'm too busy being awesome at school!
Found out I won't need a student loan until NEXT summer. Booyah. I can afford summer term and fall term (and possibly the whole year) on the school loans and my paycheck. bombdotcom(remember when that was cool?). The only sucky part is I will need a private loan for study abroad, unless some really kind person wants to loan me $10,000 to study in Segovia, Spain for six weeks. buuuuut it'll be worth it (hopefully.....)
Work is...well, work, but I have some of the best coworkers alive. We know how to make slow nights fun.
I like my life.Let's hope it stays this ridiculously manageable and fun!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
However, there are a few that deserve special attention. I've already called and/or emailed them this lovely day, but I want the blog world to know just how much I love them.
First up, my mama. Mama is something special, for sure. This woman passed on many things to me, good and bad, and I can't thank her enough. She's the source of my blue eyes, my light brown hair, my love of reading, my klutziness (thanks a lot mom!), my over-caring, and my laughter. While we had a very odd living arrangement throughout my life, she schlepped out to my school for every concert, basketball game, cheer competition, and awards banquets. She gave me my love of travelling, taking trips nearly every summer to fun (and some not so fun) places, whether it was driving the three days to Texas three times or simply going the two hours up to Davis Lake, spending a couple weeks camping. . Mom always tried to make my birthday fun, a difficult task since my birthday is in the summer and nobody is ever around for it. She got creative, and makes all holidays fun and seemingly extravagant, even if it's having us make a ghost town for Halloween out of old cardboard boxes and cotton balls. She's a very dynamic, bright, and outgoing woman. To quote one of my coworkers, "she is just so nice and funny, and I love her laugh! She's a beautiful woman."
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Of course, Shakespeare is to be expected since I'm taking a class called Shakespeare. Sadly, I was not expecting the term-long sonnet project. Everyone picks a sonnet, writes a paper about it, memorizes it, and "recites it with feeling" at the end of the term. (have I mentioned I really, really hate public speaking?? This ain't gonna be pretty....) The paper is due this Tuesday by 5, and I'm really scared, I've never written a paper about a poem before, and this professor is infamous for making people cry with her super harsh comments and grading. For the first time, I haven't put off the paper 'til the night before it was due. I sent a copy to a friend who has had the class before for editing/helpful comments to make my paper less painful to be graded....
Langston Hughes was slightly by choice. For my 1920s literature class, we chose out of 6 poets who we would prefer to work on. We're doing a group project, where everyone picks a poem by their poet published in the 20s and writes a paper on it, then the group gives a half an hour presentation on our poet at the end of the term. the presentation instructions are super confusing, so we'll see how it goes. That paper is due in class on Wednesday, so I have to figure out what that professor wants too. and quickly. eep.
Robert Louis Stevenson is purely my choice for Survey of British literature. I have to read Treasure Island and possibly Peter Pan and write a paper on it. Well, I'm not sure what I'm writing on, to be honest. Then I have to present with a girl who's reading Jekyll and Hyde and talk about RLS's life, I think? I have no idea. These professors are about at clear as horse puckey on what they want from us. Such a pain in my arse. at least I have til May 2 to write the rough draft of that paper....
And these three, plus various readings and deciding on a topic for American Lit are the main focus of my life. So much to do, so little time.....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
However, in my defense, I have been super crazy busy!
Yep, it's the wonderful term where I'm the crazyhead who way overloaded on credits and is now paying for it with my life. Mondays are horrid - class from 9-2 solid, followed by a three and a half hour long class. Yep, I sit in the same room from 4:30-8 PM every Monday. Luckily, that class only meets once a week. (thank goodness, because I have a terrible time trying to sit still for that long) Random fact about me: I can't sit still. at all. I have to be moving in some way, whether it's tapping my pen, jiggling my leg, or writing furiously. Or a combination of all three.
The rest of the week isn't too horrible: just classes from 9-2 every day with no breaks. except Fridays. Fridays are my pseudo-weekends. Since I work on the actual weekend and don't have class on Friday, I run all my errands and try to get as much non-school-related stuff done as possible. For example, this last Friday I ran all over town taking my roommate lunch, shipping a birthday present three weeks late, catching up on TV shows (i have three weeks of tv piling up in my Hulu queue), and then running around buying birthday presents galore for the six million people with birthdays in April (okay, so maybe there are only five I bought for). Then I was off to work, where I actually attempted homework (and nearly pulled my hair out over it).
So this is why I haven't posted in forever....so sorry!
This term actually isn't too bad. I'm enjoying my classes for the most part. I love my American Lit: 1920's and my Survey of American Lit classes...(I'm sensing a theme there) and my Survey of British Lit professor is hilarious. My Shakespeare professor intimidates me - she's so different from any professor I have ever had, and I don't know where her boundaries are, or what she expects from us exactly. My Spanish class is same as last term - hilarious professor, seemingly easy material, but I always screw up on the tests. Linguistics is hard. Our first big assignment, which the first draft is due tomorrow, is a completely open topic essay. 1,200 words on whatever we want to say. Seems nice right? No. No, it's not. It is so hard to come up with a topic that I can ramble about for 1,200 words that makes a decent essay, while attempting to skew it to a particular newspaper's audience (yeah, that part was confusing). The readings make zero sense - it's like being back in Philosophy, which I really wanted to leave behind.
there's more to tell, but I actually have to work now, so possibly another post soon....I won't go nearly a month, I promise!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
My life essentially revolves around books.
whether it's textbooks for class, serious literature, or a goofy easy read, i am nearly always reading a book.
When friends come to me upset, i don't know how to comfort them. however, i know a good book they can read to either a) help them understand and deal with their situation or b) distract themselves from reality by delving into an alternate universe.
yep, i pretty much love books.
i prefer them to tv and movies. i watch more than my fair share of tv and i love movies, but they just don't quite compare to books in my mind. with a tv show, the characters are set in front of you, the show sets how they look, how they act, and all their personality traits.
books, however, have left a wonderful space for imagination to work. you get to see the characters in your own mind, taking the tidbits of information and building real people. you get to build this whole other world in your mind, designing down to the very minute details.
i inherit my love for reading from my mother. my dad has read a total of maybe three books for fun in my life. my mom, my sisters, my stepdad, and i all go through books like we go through oxygen. we live to read, and we all read at least one chapter of a fun book once a day. My sister and my mom trade books every time we meet practically. now mom and my sisters all have nooks, making reading just a tad bit easier - however, i prefer a real, heavy in my hands, old paper smelling book. Nothing is quite as good as the feeling of being so excited about a book that you can't wait to get home and pick it up again....no wonder i have no life...
email me for suggestions - if i wrote a post about the books i love i'd never be able to leave the computer! there are just too many!
Monday, March 7, 2011
it carries a different meaning for different people.
sure, i'm lonely.
but then again, i've been lonely my whole life.
when you grow up as the youngest of three girls, you never have the bond that the older two sisters have. you don't have an instant best friend. instead, you bear the brunt of teasing, and they know how to push your buttons just well enough to make your temper flare and get you in trouble. we grew up playing with our distant cousins, and i was still the youngest. my middle sister and our youngest cousin are the same age, and are best friends until the end. my oldest sister has had the same best friend since kindergarten.
i don't have that one best friend. i don't have that one person i trust with every little detail of my life.
then school didn't help. i was the kid who just went home after school and spent weekends being shuttled between parents' houses. i didn't get invited to parties. i didn't get invited to shari's after football games. i didn't get invited to anything. i went to the mall and movies once in a blue moon with the few people who bothered to call me a friend. summers were spent at my mom's house, with no invites to hang out at the lake or to hang out at all. i spent summers with my nose buried in book after book, reading away to ignore the world.
now that i'm out of my parents' houses and on my own, i see the same pattern. i'm not invited on weekends home or spring break trips. some people don't invite me because they know i work. however, i think i'm not invited because i'm forgotten about. it's not hard to forget me. i have a face that blends into the crowd. i'm not outstandingly funny or smart or any particular attribute.
the only things that are unique are my height, my determination to complete a double degree, and the fact that i am proud of where i'm from. those aren't friendship qualities.
here's the thing though.
I'm okay with being lonely.
i have been my whole life. boyfriend or no, i've always been alone. i hate that i'm forgettable, but i really don't care that nobody has time for me. i've gotten along just fine for nearly twenty years with no social life, no best friend, and no significant other of any type. sure, i'm close to a few people. they are close enough to earn the title "friend" instead of "acquaintance".
so "lonely" doesn't scare me. i have my books. i have my family. i have people i can keep in touch with. i'm okay spending my life alone. it's not scary. it's not sad. it just is.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
oh, what's the project? a little something called the History of Oregon Woman Suffrage Documents Project.
(aka, my history class project).
Now, let me tell you all about it.
This history class was, uhm, interesting. The concept behind the class and the project is actually pretty dang cool, but i must say this class was far from being my favorite. With a different prof maybe it's be cooler, I dunno. Just my personal opinion.
Anyways. This class was centred around helping the Century Of Action committee build the history of the Oregon Woman Suffrage movement, as well as the COA website. We transcribed JPEGs of 1912 newspaper articles, which makes the articles searchable. (I thought JPEGs were searchable, but apparently not...) We were each given a topic, and we transcribed 5-7 articles about that particular topic. Then we got to write a contextual essay, placing our articles into the broader picture of the suffrage movement, both nationally and locally. All of our article JPEGs, transcriptions, and essays will be put on the Century of Action website : www.centuryofaction.org within the next week. On Tuesday, we will go to the state capitol and attend a kickoff event, showcasing the website. Yeah, I get to meet the Secretary of State and our former governor. No big deal.
So why are we doing all this writing and website-ing? I mean, besides earning credits?
Well, because November 5th of 2012 marks the 100th year anniversary of the passing of the Equal Suffrage law. Yep, that's right - women in Oregon got the right to vote eight years before the national movement passed. Century of Action is commemorating this with the website, and several events. Essentially this is trying to bring Oregon back to national attention and to reinvigorate the Oregonian spirit....I think....
I'm a little fuzzy on what exactly's going on with COA, but I know this for sure:
my transcriptions = DONE.
my essay = DONE
my project = DONE.
such a nice relief :)
Sunday, February 27, 2011
March 12- pack clinic with gramps
March 21 - spring break!
March 28 - first day of spring term
April 29 - my sister's 22nd birthday
May 28 - Stacy & Mike's birthday
May 30 - memorial day holiday!
June 11- Kailee comes home!!
June 13 - Kailee graduates
June 18 - Danielle & Leon's wedding
June 24 - my 20th birthday!
July 15 - my sister's 24th birthday
Sometime in august/september - Wendie & Mark's wedding
Annnnnnd to keep me happy til then,
I'm just gonna keep laughing of this picture my sister found of me :
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Yep, good ol' final time. The last three weeks of the term equalling three weeks of pure, unadulterated hell in the forms of essays, final exams, oral presentations, and group projects.
You wanna know the funny part? I just handed in my last midterm two weeks ago. This is an incredibly backloaded term, with the papers piling higher and higher. Yes, I know I semi asked for it when I signed up as an English major, but c'mon people! I have two papers due this Tuesday, an "online scavenger hunt" due a week from Wednesday, a Spanish composition and oral exam that same week, a meeting or launching party or whatever we're calling it at the state capitol a week from Tuesday, then two final exams and two final essays. I feel like Jan Brady screaming "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" except I'd be screaming "Papers, papers, papers!"
at least I'm giving myself a break soon. March 12, I'm taking 2 friends home with me so that they can help out at my grandpa's pack clinic. Where there's a lot of cowboys. all day long. and delicious chili, cornbread, and peach cobbler, all made in Dutch ovens. yummmmm.
So here's to dreaming of March 12, to hold my sanity intact.
(oh yeah, and spring break. except i'm getting my braces readjusted at 9:30 on that monday. oh a spring break full of pain and boredom....goody.)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
today rocked. well, not so much the traipsing home in pouring snow, but more on that later.
last night, my best friend since 7th grade turned twenty. which means i'll be twenty in a few months. yikes. but anyways.... since she hit the double-decade, i figured a trip down home to the eug was necessary. after all, she's practically my sister. and her and her boyfriend are two of my favorite people. who could resist a night with the funny couple? so i hopped on I5 and away i went. we hit mcmanimen's north bank for dinner - delicious as always. except the cheesecake. that was weird. we each took about one bite and didn't like it, but i wasn't about to waste a six dollar slice of cheesecake. i essentially destroyed it, scraping off the uberthick crust and the weird, hard marionberry topping. the cheesy part was delicious :)
anyways. that was my night. today started a little before 7 am (ugh) thanks to the lovely kitten, Miles, jumping on my face. then it was up, quick change, and out the door to be home by 9. once home, grabbed a quick bite and a sweatshirt with a hood, then dashed off to the registrars office. at our university (and i think most universities, but i'm not 100% sure...) you have to fill out a petition to take more than 18 credits. this crazyhead right here is taking 24 next term. (bring on the stress and lack of sleep. i'll be able to graduate in four years because of it!) so i dashed into the office to drop off my petition and then it was off to one of my favorite classes, spanish con Eduardo, the best teacher i think i've ever had for the language. he may tie with my 100 series teacher though.... okay back on track. so i registered in the middle of class (thank you, university, for picking the most inconvinient times for me, and thank you verizon for a phone that can access my registration website) and got into 4 out of my 6 classes. one fo the 4 lit classes i'm taking requires a pre req of ENG 254, which i'm taking next term. luckily, i had that professor last year and she signed me into her american: 1920's class. then after a hilarious linguistics class (the presenting group had a welcome video of one of the guys' cats talking in a funny accent about their subject), it was off to beg the linguistics 450 professor to let me into the class. i met him during his office hours, and said i wanted in the class. he mentioned it was full (it closed 5 freaking minutes before i registered.) and that he had a wait list. somehow he mentioned the readings, and i mentioned that i had emailed him 3 weeks ago about the reading list for the class. he went "oh yeah! you're the first person on my waiting list! here, i'll sign you in."
and that is how being a nutter gets you ahead in life.
then it was time to dash to the library and copy a play for english. two hours and $9.50 (it's 5 cents per copy. yeah, the play is THAT FREAKING LONG) later, it was time to do the 100 yard dash to my house through pouring snow. You know you're cold when snow lands on you and doesn't melt. then it's shower, off to meet mom for coffee (and a cute new mug to use for our coffee dates, thanks again mama!) then run to work. where i currently am, avoiding my homework that i need to get started on. at least for the 20 minutes it took me to write this.
oh and to top it all off, i got to work and recieved an email from my boss telling me that she did the insurance checks and that she has not had to correct a single entry i made. she literally said "Thank you for doing a great job". it made my day. and made me smile. i love encouraging notes from the boss!!
now off to keep getting ahead. have a great day!
and for your listening pleasure:
Friday, February 18, 2011
And it may seem a little narcissistic but oh well.
What is this vain goal?
I want to own a copy of every edition of Johanna Spyri's Heidi.
Yep, that's right. I have 2 editions of it already, but my goal is to own all the different covers at least.
(How cool would it be to have a collage of all the different covers for my wall?? I wanna make one now! Maybe I can get an artsy friend to help....hmmm....now the wheels are spinning...)
I also want to own all the different versions of the movie (Shirley Temple versus Disney, anyone?)
Yes, the collection of books all titled Heidi may appear vain to any visitors, but I don't care. How many people do YOU know have a book with the same name as them, much less a Shirley Temple movie??!!
Now if only I had unlimited funds and/or incredibly gracious friends/family...
Here's to have a goal :)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
*side note: these are my stepbrothers, for those of you who don't know my family. Dan is my stepmom's son, Jeff is my stepdad's son*
Despite everything that's gone down with my family in the past several months, I'm really excited to see this little girl. I'm hoping I get to see her a lot more than I've gotten to see my soon-to-be 3-year-old niece. I want to be the cool aunt, but there's a lot of us competing for that title! Dan has three sisters, and Jayne, the mother, has a lot of sisters as well (at least 3, but I'm still not sure who's what in relation to her. she has a big family)
The biggest excitement (sadly) for me is that now that each side of the family has a granddaughter, the pressure is off of me to suddenly want kids!! Sorry, Mom, but Jeff's daughter is probably it, unless Casey decides he wants kids! (Casey is my other stepbrother, Jeff's brother)
Soon I'll be leaving work on my way to meet Natalie! Hurray!
Friday, February 11, 2011
you may be wondering what happened to the mumphy girl who wrote the whiny weepy post last night.
she did good. that's what happened.
today started off with a failed lunch date (weekly outing cancelled i'm assuming, since i have not heard from the friend i was supposed to meet). spent the morning watching Bones, Off The Map, and Grey's Anatomy (some favs), then finally got dressed and got tutored in Spanish around 1. after tutoring, it was off to Burgerville (only the most delicious as-healthy-as-fast-food-can-be Northwest based restaurant) to set up a fundraiser. then it was back home for the rest of Bones and half of 90210 (don't judge. i like my cheesy dramas. as well as the kick ass medical and crime shows) and getting ready for work. then dash off to coffee date number one (who doesn't love a nice italian soda at Rick's Place while chatting with a friend?), then dash off to coffee date number two (yeah i know, that's a lot of moolah on drinks to catch up with people. however, i can't say no to coffee with my mama. and by coffee i mean hot chocolate).
You're still waiting for the "doing good" part, aren't you?
Well, in between coffee dates, I happened to turn on the local country radio station, KRKT. (pronounce cricket, like the bug) Well, KRKT happens to be doing a telethon for St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. Sooo, I make a decision. I called in, and am now a Partner of Hope for St. Jude. I figure that since I've only used my gym membership once in the three months I've had it, I would take the $20 a month from that and "waste" it on a good cause. I would rather not feel guilty about not going to the gym, and there are millions of children who depend on St. Jude's. I did a good thing, and nobody is gonna guilt trip me about where my money is going.
So, today rocks.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Do you have any idea how expensive study abroads are??? The price ranges from $9,500 to $18,000! I've barely got enough income to cover my school and living expenses as is, and that's aided by a HUGE student loan. We're talking debt up to my ears when I graduate. Insane.
I wish I could have known how expensive life was going to be before I leaped headfirst into it. I wish I had gotten a job in high school, saving every penny instead of going to every sporting event and spending money like it grew on trees. I wasted every dollar my parents gave me.
still, who expects a college student to be able to afford EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS for a three month study abroad????
And the other craptastic moment of my life?
Nobody has time to even send hello texts anymore.
Some are turning nasty for no apparent reason.
Some have gotten too snootypants to care anymore.
Some just fell off the grid, or are ignoring me.
Remember when you could share a funny joke with someone on the playground and you were instantly best friends for life? You couldn't wait to get to school to see them, to joke around, to play together? What happened to those days?
Not gonna lie, I'm getting really, really tired of being the only person putting any effort into the friendships.
It's already stressful enough with school and work.
I don't need toxic "friends".
So here's to purging, detoxing, and letting go.
(and saving a crap ton of money to go to Spain)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't need to be with anyone to be happy. However, it does get a tad lonely after awhile.
It's been almost a year since my last "thing". That was merely a couple dates which resulted in me hurting a great guy because I was scared and let my friends' opinions get to me. Luckily, we managed to become good friends a few months later. He is currently with a girl he says is his soulmate (I don't believe in that concept, but it works for him) and I'm happy for him.
There was another day-long fling with an ex, which ended with me getting hurt because well, he's a jackass.
Other than those two, though, there's been absolutely nada. The last real relationship I had was back in sophomore year of high school, when I got my heart ripped to shreds and spat on. Sure, there were two temporary boyfriends in the last two years of good ol' CHS, but they only lasted two weeks each. I was afraid of relationships. I was afraid of anyone with a penis. I didn't want to hand over the power to hurt me again. I had made that mistake once, and I was not about to repeat it.
Now, though, I feel like I'm ready. I think I could handle a slow moving relationship, one that builds at a steady, slow pace. However, I go to a school where no men exist. The ratio of men to women here is 1:4. Of the few men that go here, about half swing the bat the other direction, and the rest are taken. Or assholes. Or come up to my chest. And what man wants a gigantor on his arm? Even the most well-balanced, self respecting man doesn't want a girl who is a good three inches taller than him flat footed, and I want to wear my heels on a date. I want to feel like a girl on a date, yet still be taken seriously.
all I want is a kiss. I like kissing. I miss kissing. It's one of my favorite things. I don't need a boyfriend to do that. however, it does tend to require a male. especially when you are of the very straight persuasion like I am.
All in all,
I'm a little lonely. And it sucks. And I hate that it sucks. I don't need a man. I need the thought that maybe, someday, there could be a man. That I am desirable. that someone, somewhere, may want me for me. Someone who will be attracted not because I was attracted to them first, but rather they see me for who I am and who I want to be. They will want me for me. They won't think I'm pretty, they won't tell me I'm amazing. That's been done again and again. I hate being "cute" or "pretty". That makes me feel like I'm two years old.
Today, however, I did question myself. I was at coffee with my mom, blabbering on as I tend to do, when a thought hit me.
"What the hell am I doing?!"
I have no idea. Honestly. I'm bound and determined to finish my double degree, but I'm killing myself to do it. Why? Who knows. It's just something I'm making myself do, just to prove that I can I guess. I have no idea how a literature minor will help with my career goals.
And yes. The career. Whenever I'm asked what I'm going to do with my majors in Spanish and Linguistics, I always reply that I want to translate, preferably for the government. What exactly does a translator do?
I have no freakin' clue.
Seriously. I've got no idea. What would I translate? What would I do every day?? How can I possibly want a career that I know nothing about?? What kind of crazy person does that?
It was like a brick wall hit me full force in Starbucks. I realized I need to pull my head together and figure out what the heck I'm doing.
Let me make a side note: I hate making future plans. I hate thinking further ahead than tomorrow. Ever since I was little, I've hated making plans. Now I'll venture a little further in my planner, making dates with friends at least a week or two in advance. I still hate thinking about next year though.
Back to my life plans - or lack thereof. I am attempting to figure out how I will finish my degrees, and I believe I will be in school at least one extra term, which means I would not get to walk with my fellow classmates. I hate that idea. I have grown close with so many people my age, and it would be severely disappointing to watch them walk and not be standing next to them, sharing in their excitement.
The only thing I can see holding me back would be the fact that as a Spanish major, it's practically a requirement that I do a study abroad. A semester long study abroad would take away my chance to cram classes in during the summer and fall terms. I'm afraid by taking a semester trip, I'll be putting myself behind in my studies. However, I'm afraid that not taking the trip will render my Spanish major entirely useless, as you can't completely comprehend a new language without living in an area where that is the primary language. My dream would be to study in Spain, as it is the one place I have always dreamed of visiting. Unfortunately, the cost of Spain is insane. So, my alternate destination (which my advisor is pushing for, since she grew up right by it) is Rosario, Argentina. I have met two girls who went there, and loved their experience. Argentina may be better for me cost wise, as well as aiding in my career choice. Once again though, I have no idea what my career entails.
Enter my uncle. He is a US Marshal, and my mother says he can help me get a job as soon as I graduate if I want. I think I want to attend graduate school, but I won't know what I want to do until senior year, if even then. I plan to start an email campaign of sorts, picking my uncle's brain, talking to my sister's incredible friend J. (he knows about 7 different languages fluently, including Portuguese, Arabic, French, Spanish, English, and more) about his job of translating books from Arabic to Portuguese, and attempting to get some answers from my state capitol (yeah, I know. Good luck with that)
Well, here goes nothing. Time to get to bed, then get my butt into gear on figuring out what I'm spiraling towards.
The post title is the titles of the three books displayed on my TV stand, the words and stories of Desmond Tutu, Martin Luther King Jr., and Gandhi, respectively.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
That's right. I'm admitting to being jealous.
I'm jealous of many things. Of those who got to enjoy the gorgeous Library of Alexandria before it burned down. Of anyone has access to the Library of Congress. Of independent bookstore owners. Of anyone who has a house big enough to dedicate one room solely to books. (Hmmmm... I'm sensing a theme here...)
However, today the green is spreading over me for a new reason.
Earlier today, during my lunch break, I was hanging in the main Honors office because I was bored and the director, Gavin, is always hilarious. Well, another Honors student (whose name I don't know at all...), Gavin, and I were all discussing names, and Gavin decided to use Yahoo People search to see if anyone had the last name of Awesome. Lo and behold, there is some named Awesome Awesome, I kid you not. Search yourself.
Then, the topic of naming kids strange things lead into me mentioning that some celebrity named their kid Inspector. Which prompted mystery Honors kid to say, "Like, Go go gadget arm?!" which led to Gavin to search to see if anyone had named their kid Gogo Gadget. Sadly, no one exists with that name.....yet.
How does this make me jealous?
Hello, there is someone named AWESOME AWESOME. How could you NOT be jealous?
I mean, think about it. That person could never have a bad day. Their life just has to be awesome. How could it not?
(yes, this is how Honors students waste time at my school. plus one English professor/Honors Program director. Now you're jealous. .....right?)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
However, I've decided to share a little blog love rather than whine about my boring life again. So, here's a few of my favorites:
As mentioned in this post, one of my favorites is the 30 Before 30 List. Suz is fun to read, and she knows about cool products like this super cool computer (which I desperately want). The List is pretty awesome, and full of things I want to try as well, so reading about her adventures encourages me to try new things!
Another favorite is Bee's Line. Maybe I'm alittle biased since Bee is ne of my good friends, but hey the girl gives excellent advice! Maybe one day she'll take her own about settling down... or not. Who knows?
The first blog I ever started reading was Frills For Thrills. I know Sarah's dad and sister through work, so they introduced me to the blog, but I still read it faithfully because it's so good! She's a good source of inspiration, and ssomeday I want my house to look like hers - she's definitely got a great eye for design!
One of the only blogs by men I read is Growing Up Young. Once again, I'm biased because I know him, but Sam has got a knack for writing (and looks a lot like Dr. Horrible, aka Neil Patrick Harris). Now if only he remembered to write a little more often...
Another friend from the good old days writes Jessicada. Jessica and I used to play basketball together way back when, and it's been fun reconnecting vis Facebook and blogs. She's so freaking cute all the time! I wish I had her strength (and talent for writing!)
Most blogs I read have all mentioned Mara from M Loves M. She's adorable, and her love story is the very picture of perfection. It's exciting to follow her plans for her wedding with Wedding Wednesdays, and her Look Books posts are definitely inspiring. Now if only I had her closet....
Make Lemonade is another must-read. Sharlyn and I went to the same high school and were aquaintances, occasionally friends. We even did cheerleading together one year. We don't really stay in touch nowadays, as we lead completely different lives, but her blog is entertaining and addicting!
My "other" sister, Alex, is the genius behind Puddle Jumpin' and This is a ride, not a fight. This little lady is freaking hilarious. She doesn't care what people think, and I wish i could be more like her every day of my life!
Of course, there's the well-known, well-loved http://lifeat1521.blogspot.com/, rockstar diaries, Sean <3's Chloe, Sometimes Sweet, and the little things we do. All of these are soo addicting! I check almost all of the blogs I've listed daily if I can - having no internet at home kind of limits that - and these last few are what I was hoping my little Bumblings could resemble, until I realized I had nothing extremely interesting to say. Seriously, check EVERY SINGLE ONE of these out. You won't regret it!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
First off, I noticed I finally have a reader I haven't met in real life! Suz, author of both Suz's Bookshelf Blog and 30 Before 30 List (two of my absolute favorite blogs) just subscribed. Hi Suz! Thanks for checking it out! I'm excited to have a real blogger reading this (any tips?) along with family and friends.
Now for the slightly depressing, yet still exciting, part of today.
My sister Kailee is off to Africa!! Yes, that's right. A small town girl left Oregon today to spend 18+ weeks in Capetown, South Africa for a study abroad program. Am I jealous? Most definitely. Am I already missing her like crazy? Well, if crying over her "I'm leaving the country now, love you" text is any indicator, then yes, yes I am. I still can't believe that my big sister is doing something so incredibly cool. Our family doesn't do cool things like this usually, so this is big. Of course, Kailee is the outgoing sister. Not only is she the first to doing something big like this, she was also the first sister to leave the country. She went to Mexico on her senior trip cruise about 2 years before I got to do the same cruise and Brittni went to Australia. Yep, Kailee's always been the go-getter and the one who wanted to travel. I want to travel, but I don't like being away from home for long periods of time. Kai used to spend two or three months being a nanny for our aunt in Texas during high school. I wish I could just pretend that that's where she is right now, but it doesn't cost $2 a minute to call her in Texas. Sadly, with no internet in my house at the moment, and internet being expensive for her, our only real form of communication for the next 6 months is emails from one smartphone to the other (luckily, those are still free with our data plans!).
So if this blog gets a wee bit mopey at times, go ahead and hop on over to hers to read about her African adventures here. I'm off to distract myself from missing her by delving into homework.
(p.s. Kailee, if you read this, HAVE FUN and remember, no diseases.)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
That's my frustrated word. Some people prefer to cuss, I like to make things up.
Why am I frustrated?
Because my life tends to have a flair for the dramatic.
I mean, one minute everything is fine and dandy. I get ahead on homework, I'm not too stressed out, and things are going pretty darn good. Then, life decides to go apeshit on me.
Last Thursday, I had an emotional (read: hormonal) break down to a great friend of mine, who deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor for putting up with me. Then, due to said break down, Friday I was lazy and didn't get a single thing done that needed to be done. Saturday, hung out with my sisters and some friends, but found out the girl I got dumped for turned out to be fan-freaking-tastic and is pretty much living the lowlife right now. Not to go into details, but since this isn't the first time I've been passed over in favor of someone who went on to make stupid decisions, it wasn't exactly an ego boost. Sunday, I missed my sister's bon voyage party to host a hall reunion, where four out of thirty people showed up. And I see most of those four quite regularly. Monday, the Ducks lost (I always have been and always will be an Oregon Duck fan til the day I die) and I got zero homework done (so I get really far behind). Tuesdays always suck, just because I'm so busy I can't think straight. Wednesday, (yesterday), was just not fun. I was rushing to finish homework, I lost my favorite gloves on campus, and I left my thumb drive with the homework assignment due Thursday at work. Thursday (today) I got up late, did awful in Spanish class, didn't really finish my history assignment (needed to write more, but oh well), forgot to bring lunch on campus and didn't have money to buy lunch, was late meeting my mom for coffee, and ended up blowing my tire to pieces while driving to meet my mom. Mom had to rescue me (I had never seen a tire changed before, much less changed my own!), my car nearly didn't start, then we limped over to Les Schwab, where I spent a hundred and sixty-something bucks on not one, but two new tires because my other front tire was on the verge of exploding at any minute. The tire blowing fiasco made me late for work, and now I can't seem to focus on homework so I'm procrastinating by writing this and hating myself for doing so. Now, it's time to go home, eat dinner, and lose myself in books.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Well, no. That's an understatement.
I adore books. I can never get enough of books. No matter what topic, I'll read it. I may not like the topic (philosophy? no thanks.) but I will still make an effort to read any book given to me.
I've always loved books. I definitely get that from my mom - she always has a stack of books by her bedside. My dad prefers a good sudoku game or a sporting event. My sisters and I are all avid readers - we always have our noses buried in books, whether it's studying for school or for fun. I always have at least one book in my purse - right now, I'm carrying around Hemingway's For Whom The Bell Tolls. I treat myself to one chapter of a fun book for every homework assignment I complete. I would much rather stay home, curled up in bed with cocoa and the latest Janet Evanovich, Robert B. Parker, or a classic like Jane Austen or Mark Twain than go out and party with a large group. (That may also have to do with my extreme dislike for large groups, but that's another story).
Eventually, I would LOVE to own a house with at least one room dedicated entirely to books. As it is, I have filled every bookshelf I have ever owned, and then some. I have no room for more books at my apartment, and I have one huge bookshelf and at least part of three little ones (my sisters and I have all of our childhood books together) overflowing at my dad's house, and boxes upon boxes (plus half an entertainment center) at my mother's house of books. I refuse to get rid of any - even if I hated it, I hate getting rid of them more.
Right now, however, my goal is to start collecting a few childhood favorites. I want to own the entire SV series (kids, twins and friends, high school, university), all of the Boxcar children, all of the Babysitter's Club (and Babysitter's little sister), the Chronicles of Narnia (which I need for a class spring term, so I have a feeling I'll have them all soon), Nancy Drew, etc. I love any excuse to go to Powell's in Portland, or even the Book Bin in downtown Corvallis!
Sadly, this requires a lot of money, and since I'm trying to save for study abroad, paying off loans, and freeing myself from the ridiculous amount of money necessary for an education, there isn't much to spare. Maybe my mom will read this and start helping me collect (hint hint).... and maybe a few bookcases need to be added to this dream list.
Well, time to go enjoy a little light reading! Anyone have any good book suggestions?