Thursday, November 17, 2011

Whoa buddy....

I just re read my pathetic number of posts these past few months.

I am utterly in shock at myself.

How did I let people get to me? How did I let myself lose sight of my dreams, my personality, me?

I guess someday I'll look back and see this as a good thing, maybe. Right now though? I am a little disappointed in myself. I let the little things control me and change me. I am not this mopey, depressed person that I let myself become. I am not the girl who lets people tell her who to be and how to act. I am not the girl who lets idiots run her life for her.

I need to take control of my own happiness. From now on I am going to try my hardest to appreciate small blessings, such as the heat in my apartment and the food in my fridge. I am going to stop trying to force things to go my way, but I'm not going to stop working towards my goal. I like my life. I hate the stress I've forced upon myself.

So, here's hoping that soon I can post a happy post rather than a sad, angry, or dejected dribble.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Time to put on the big girl panties...

.... and deal with it.

Ok, my last post got a little whiny and desperate at the end. (Not kosher, Heidi!) Sorry guys!

It was a weird weekend. Friday was spent sleeping until 2 or 3 due to no sleep the previous two nights (do you know how hard it is to sleep when stressed out??), followed by a few episodes of Felicity (thanks to Camilla for mentioning it & sparking my curiosity) and work. Then a mini marathon of Felicity until 3 AM (what? the show is AWESOME.)

Saturday was an interesting day. I did absolutely nothing! Well, nothing productive anyways. I worked all day, which basically consisted of me watching Hulu while waiting for patients. I came home & curled up with my laptop to clear out my Hulu queue while a friend came over and did laundry. Sadly, hormones got the best of me and i ended up crying myself to sleep over stupid crap.

Sunday was fabulous! Although it started terribly because my alarm clock decided to break on me and made me 20 minutes late for work, work was slow and we even got let go three minutes early! (considering we usually are kept 15 minutes late, that's a big deal...)

Then came the best part of the weekend. My good work friend, Shiloh, turned 26 on Thursday and had a little get together on Sunday at her place. Her fiance, Will, cooked up delicious pork ribs (I don't really care for any pork products, but damn those ribs were good!), potatoes with onions, and threw together a delicious salad. There were raspberry lemonade martinis before dinner (I'll admit, I had  a diluted one in a port glass, but it lasted me a good three hours. yuuuuck.) and champagne with dinner (two sips & I was done. How do people drink that stuff???). However, after dinner is when it got hilarious! We pulled out the cards and I got my ass whooped in Bullshit. Then out came Uno. Have you ever played Couples' Uno? It's the same as regular Uno, but you get a partner who you can trade cards with if they get stuck. It makes the game go by super quick.

We ended up just sitting around and chatting until 11:30, the four of us left at the end. It was so nice to just kick back and forget my troubles for a few hours. I met some really nice people, and I can't wait to work with all of them while planning Shiloh & Will's wedding.

Now? Now it's time I work on me. I need to work on letting go of certain people who don't deserve my friendship, and to work on putting myself back together. I got so overwhelmed Sunday that I felt like I couldn't breathe from all the crap weighing on my mind. I need to spend time focusing on me and my issues. I need to relearn how to breathe. I need to laugh and smile more, cry and worry less. Wish me luck!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

How to handle the big stuff.

You know the saying "when it rains, it pours"?

Well y'all, my life is currently in the middle of a Texan hurricane mixed with an Oregon thunderstorm.

To spare you all the gory details, and to maintain a tiny piece of my dignity, I'm just gonna leave it at a lot of family going through hard times mixed with the stress of a hard term.

Everyone has their own way of handling these times, usually involving bad choices. Me? Well, my drug of choice is food. And a lot of overthinking. Me and cookie dough and a lot of crying.

Currently, my thoughts have revolved around the losses. Loss of self respect, loss of self esteem, and more often than not, loss of friends.

Somehow, technology has created a false sense of friendship. Lemme tell ya, delete your Facebook and you really find out who your friends are. Turns out people don't care if your life isn't conviniently laid out mixed among the pathetic lives of others. My life has become significantly less social. People have walked out of my life like I never existed.

On one hand, what hurts most is that right now is when I need my friends more than ever. On the other hand, I'm glad I finally know who cares enough to check on me, through the ugly times as well as when everything is peachy keen. I like knowing who I can trust to be there for me. Makes my life clear and simple.

Although there's been a few surprising walkouts. The cause? Significant others. Yeah, I get the new relationship can't keep your hands off each other stage. However, what about friendships? If your life revolves around one person, don't you get fed up and sick of each other? How do you let relationships that you spent months, years building just slip down the drain?  How can you just stop caring?

How can you let me hurt and not care?
How can we go from talking every day to never speaking to each other?
What happened to us?