I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing.

There's nothing like a baby shower and your ride talking about moving in with her boyfriend to really drive home the fact that you're single.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't need to be with anyone to be happy. However, it does get a tad lonely after awhile.
It's been almost a year since my last "thing". That was merely a couple dates which resulted in me hurting a great guy because I was scared and let my friends' opinions get to me. Luckily, we managed to become good friends a few months later. He is currently with a girl he says is his soulmate (I don't believe in that concept, but it works for him) and I'm happy for him.
There was another day-long fling with an ex, which ended with me getting hurt because well, he's a jackass.

Other than those two, though, there's been absolutely nada. The last real relationship I had was back in sophomore year of high school, when I got my heart ripped to shreds and spat on. Sure, there were two temporary boyfriends in the last two years of good ol' CHS, but they only lasted two weeks each. I was afraid of relationships. I was afraid of anyone with a penis. I didn't want to hand over the power to hurt me again. I had made that mistake once, and I was not about to repeat it.

Now, though, I feel like I'm ready. I think I could handle a slow moving relationship, one that builds at a steady, slow pace. However, I go to a school where no men exist. The ratio of men to women here is 1:4. Of the few men that go here, about half swing the bat the other direction, and the rest are taken. Or assholes. Or come up to my chest. And what man wants a gigantor on his arm? Even the most well-balanced, self respecting man doesn't want a girl who is a good three inches taller than him flat footed, and I want to wear my heels on a date. I want to feel like a girl on a date, yet still be taken seriously.

Honestly,
 all I want is a kiss. I like kissing. I miss kissing. It's one of my favorite things. I don't need a boyfriend to do that. however, it does tend to require a male. especially when you are of the very straight persuasion like I am.

All in all,
I'm a little lonely. And it sucks. And I hate that it sucks. I don't need a man. I need the thought that maybe, someday, there could be a man. That I am desirable. that someone, somewhere, may want me for me. Someone who will be attracted not because I was attracted to them first, but rather they see me for who I am and who I want to be. They will want me for me. They won't think I'm pretty, they won't tell me I'm amazing. That's been done again and again. I hate being "cute" or "pretty". That makes me feel like I'm two years old.


Someday,

I'll be somebody's someone.

(thanks Grey's Anatomy for the excellent song that provided this post title.)