silence

have you ever had one of those moments where you pause, just a bit, and realize that you appear to have lost control somewhere along the way?

welcome to my past week.

i'm one of those people who holds most stuff in. i'm ok with sharing little things that are bugging me (my roommate would say i share too much) but when it gets to big, contemplative ideas, i keep them to myself. what you see is only the tip of the iceburg.

the more people push me to talk about the big things, the more i withdraw. push me too much, you may just never hear from me again. if i say i'm fine, don't believe me, but don't ask me about it either. just leave it alone. i'm not good with confiding my fears and what scares me. i mean, i'll share the basics like i have a phobia of confrontation and snakes freak me out. but when it gets to life plans or the future, i clam up.

i don't like thinking about the far future. hell, i don't even like planning anything more than maybe a week in advance! but when events happen to cause my brain to spinning, i'll lose myself in thought. i don't want to share the most personal, intimate details of my thought processes to anyone.

so, here's what you need to know.
a) if i'm quiet or seem upset, i'm probably just overthinking something and need my space.
b) don't ask me about the future
c) don't push me to talk.

the losing control issue?
that's how i am. i let things build and build. i put off homework assignments 'til the last possible moment, then freak out. my goal this year is to stop letting things build up, whether its homework, or personal issues.

friendship?

I don't know if I'm capable of being a true friend.

That thought scares me, yet I keep thinking it, over and over again.

Why have I never been so close to anyone that our bond could be deemed "unshakeable"? I've never lasted more than six months without picking a fight, or causing massive tension. I'm not a good friend. I try my hardest to be, but I can't stop myself from ruining it every single time. Someone either gets too close to me, or I push an issue a little too far. Instead of fixing things, I hightail it the other direction. I run and hide. I HATE confrontation. The idea of it makes my stomach curl into knots and my head start spinning. Its my biggest phobia.
This applies to my love life as well. My longest romantic relationship has been 3 and 1/2 months. I run the other direction when someone show's signs of getting too close, or in the case of my first relationship, I truly start to fall for the guy. I don't know how many times I've ruined a good thing with my insecurites and lack of trust.
I'm a coward. Things just have to get the slightest bit hinky, and I'm outta there like a bullet outta a gun. I look for excuses to run and never look back. It's a lonely life, but its the life I lead.

Consider this my apology to both past and future bonds I forge. I'm gonna try to fight it, but I'm not a strong person. I'm sorry.

surprise surprise

I love surprises. Everything about them. Yet, they never happen to me.
I've never had anyone throw a surprise party for me. I have thrown plenty of parties for my friends, but never have had one for myself.
My favorite kind of surprise, however, is of the romantic variety. You know, like in movies, when the guy unexpectedly shows up at his girl's door, flowers in hand, just to say he loves her. I've always pictured a guy I like showing up at my door, daisies (my favorite) in hand, just to kiss me goodnight or say that he loves me. Needless to say, never has happened and probably never will. But hey, a girl can dream about the dead art of romance, right?
There's something to be said about the small romantic gestures: they make everything better. No matter if you have been having a good or a bad day, if your significant other gives you a small surprice of romance, everything is better. Unfortunately, very few people take the time for small gestures any more. Everyone just rushes around, running and running without a break.

My advice for the day?

take a break.

I'll always be there for you.

my friends are amazing.

that is quite possibly the understatement of the century.

Without the incredible support system I've built at school,

I would be broken. I wouldnn't be the bright, bubbly, laughable Heidi I am today. The girls I live with and my honors friends keep me going. No matter what I'm dealing with, I know I have at least one person available to talk about it with. Sometimes we push the limits and drive each other crazy. That tends to happen when you're surrounded by the same people 24/7. When the limits get breached, we have to work it out. there's nowhere to run! It's made our relationships that much stronger.

The main point of my writing today, however, is to tell those friends that they mean the WORLD to me, and I will do ANYTHING for them. I'm willing to step up and fight for them. I will be the shoulder to cry on, and I'll be the support beam when it seems like their world is crashing down. After everything they've helped me through, I'm more than willing to return the favor. I'm a giver, and I'm offering to give them everything they need from me.

Vent, cry, rant, rave, scream, yell, whatever you need to do. let it out, & let me help you.

i love you!

being the best me I can be...

"You see things; and you say 'Why?'. But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?'"

~George Bernard Shaw

Its the beginning of a new year, even a new decade! I've never taken my new year's resolutions seriously before, but I'm striving hard to keep them this year. Why? Because I want to simply be a better person. Who likes a whiny, obnoxious, overweight grump who only cares about themself?

To start my life again, I've set down rules, not goals. I'm not one for setting a certain number down as to how much weight I'll lose or how many books I'll read. I'd rather set guidelines in place that I'm hoping to keep for the rest of my life. Let's hope I can make them work!

My new "life rules" are as follows:

1. Work out everyday
2. Eat healthier
3. Stop procrastinating
4. Volunteer whenever I can
5. Stop complaining. Words only change the world when powerful and helpful.
6. Focus on school / work. There's no need to worry about other things right now.
7. Laugh a little more every day.

I've been following the rules so far (for the most part), with one blaring exception. I can't seem to find a volunteer position that fits in with school and work. I love helping people, and this is the first time in a long time that I haven't been volunteering and helping out. I am looking for a great cause that will let me volunteer up to 4 days a week (maybe two to five hours a day?). Any helpful ideas??

have faith.

To quote one of my favorite songs, "You've got to stand for something / Or you'll fall for anything".

Our beliefs are quite possibly the most important thing we have. Without a strong belief system, you're like a house with no foundation (thank you, philosophy 208H for the analysis). 

Needless to say, different people believe in different things. How many different religions are there out there? But I'm talking more about personal beliefs on a much smaller scale. Our own little "quirks" as they are sometimes known as. Some are a little more outlandish than others, but that's doesn't make the believer's faith any less important. For example, an old friend of mine has a pair of "lucky socks" that he has worn in every single sporting event and never washed. I believe that it is disgusting. He believes that his socks help him be faster, stronger, or whatever it takes for him to be better at that sport.

Now that I've thoroughly confused everyone, myself included, I thought I'd share some of my own little beliefs:

• I believe in laughing every day, preferably every moment.
• I believe that ice cream has soul-healing powers.
• I believe that movies are better (and cheaper) for a quick escape than a weekend trip.
• I believe in reading for fun.
• I believe in new year's resolutions.
• I believe that Grandma Tiny's chocolate chip cookies are the best cure for hunger.
• I believe in the strength of family as a safety net.
• I believe food was intended to be simple, not spicy.
• I believe music can fix any problem.
• I believe in fairytales.
• I believe in daily hugs.
• I believe old fashioned letters are better than a quick email.

I believe that confrontation is the worst thing in the world, and that snakes were created simply to creep people out. I also believe in every person's right to choose their own beliefs, religious or not.

(I won't discuss religion because I don't discuss topics that I don't know very well.)

Let me finish off my beliefs with this one:

I believe that faith in something is necessary to remain sane. especially faith in yourself.

another time, another place....

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately.
      Actually, I've been thinking about people in the past.
We slowly evolve away from people we thought we loved. Exes, old friends, distant relatives become nothing more than memories, faded smiles in old photographs. The memories fade slowly, replaced and complicated by new experiences.
      My main thought is can we ever go back? Can we rekindle a relationship? There must be reasons why the relationship ended in the first place, but is it possible for us to move beyond those reasons and correct our wrongs? 
     Ex-boyfriends. Every one of them has a reason why the "ex" is used. You were in different places in life. One was still attached to a previous relationship. You're both not ready for commitment. One cheats. There are thousands of excuses that people hide their breakup behind, when in reality there's only one reason: It just plain doesn't work. You two don't "mesh". 
     Friends. We all lose friends, whether through gradual drifting or a harsh falling-out that results in never speaking again. In some cases, one friend falls into the "out of sight, out of mind" category, where their entire existence is no longer a factor in the other's life. We float in and out of other's lives. What makes a friendship be a lasting one?


  I know I may not hold on to all of the relationships in my life, but I'm going to fight for the ones who are definitely worth it. If we don't have personal relationships, what can our quality of life be?

Everything Spain

I'm a sucker for Spain.

I love the richness of the culture.

I love the bold flavors of the food (that agree with my stomach),

and the gliding beauty of the language (which I'm butchering while learning it).

The gorgeous women and men,

strikingly, hauntingly beautiful.

The glorious colors, rich and bold in such textural depth...

I am in love with Spain, even before I've had the chance to go there.

Here's some examples of why I think everything Spain is gorgeous and ideal:

thanks Google Images

Check out this translated poem:

The Guitar

Anybody want to share their opinions? or their country-crush?

food for thought

The concept of living with a complete stranger scared me to death. 

I had never met Ashely and now the school expected us to live together?

What if she turned out to be the complete opposite of me? What if we hated each other?

I didn't like the idea of change. I'm slow to adapt to changes, and I am "overly cautious".

I had lived in the same house for 18 years, in the same super small town.

Looking back now, moving in with a stranger is possibly the best thing to ever happen to me. I moved out of my small closed-minded comfort zone, and stepped into a whole new world.

Ashely is now the best friend I could possibly ask for. We can't have secrets when we're together 24/7. We are the opposite of each other in that she's laidback, easy going, and up for anything. I'm high-strung, energetic, and uncomfortable with going without a plan.

We keep each other sane. When one of us gets hurt or confused by a guy situation, the other one steps up and goes into protector mode. We also have opposite tastes in guys, so there won't be any backstabbing or boyfriend stealing ;)

all in all, change is good, and my roommate is amazing.

just a little intro

hey there!

I'm just starting out, so bear with me :)

The name's Heidi.

I love writing and reading, 

and my dream is to own my own library.

I'm also a big fan of languages,

and am double majoring in English and Spanish.

my posts may slowly become bilingual

I'm just bumbling along through life,

discovering those surprising little moments.

join me for the ride?