Hasta la bye-bye, 2010

Since this is probably my last post of the year - and my last time near internet for the year- I figure I will send 2010 off with a couple of interesting thoughts.

Last year, around this time, this little blog didn't exist yet. I thought that by 2011 I would be :
1) Dating a certain blonde intellectual friend of mine
2) Living with my dorm roommate and two of our friends
3) Visiting home once a week at least
4) Enjoying ice cream dates with my stepmother and my brother's used-to-be-ex-now-current-and-pregnant-girlfriend
5) Way more useful at work.
6) More self confident and less stressed.

I have failed on all six counts. Things with the smart guy and I were better off as just friends, and he is now dating a girl he claims is his soul mate (I don't believe in such hooey). I sort of live with my dorm roommate, but she's not officially living with me yet. I got kicked out of that living situation and landed in a much, MUCH better one with my cousin, who I got to know better and watch her son grow up! I haven't gone home nearly as often as I should, but then again "home" is completely redefined for me now. Things have gone horribly horribly wrong with my stepmother and I have lost all respect and any inch of caring for the girlfriend. I am a little more useful at work in that I will come in for extra hours whenever needed, and I am starting to learn how to schedule soon (I am also slowly mastering the new paperless-order system faster than most!). However, until I can schedule and am more knowledgeable about certain exams, there isn't much I can do to help. And six is a joke. Nothing like family problems to tear you down and wear you out.


So here's my dream for 2011:
1) To get an A in at least one class - something I failed to do fall term 2010.
2) To keep my bank account balanced.
2.5) To spend less
3) To keep in better contact with old friends and family
4) To cut back on my technology dependence - it's getting ridiculous!
5) To read at least 2 fun books a month
6) To work out more
7) To organize my house
8) To start learning to cook real meals
9) To find a person worth modeling my life after
10) To not dye my hair. at all. not even once.
10.5) To actually fall in love with my hair

Let's see how well this list works out! Last year's bombed, hardcore, but these mostly are little things I can change, instead of huge personality traits or giant portions of my life.

Well, I can't say I'm sorry to see you go, 2010. I'm excited to see what 2011 has in store for me!

Ring-a-ling

Hello, Christmas time!
I'm finally getting into the whole Christmas spirit - a bit slower than usual, but here comes my jingle bells and fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. My tree is up, albiet crooked and a little bare, with homemade snowflakes made out of water, borax, and pipe cleaners, hanging above it.

However, my presents remained unwrapped.

Yes, that's right. 5 days til Christmas and I have not wrapped a single present. It may have to do with the fact that I hate wrapping presents. I prefer bags, with tissue paper. I can never seem to make my presents appear as pretty as they should be- rather, they look like they were ran over with a truck. The edges are lumpy, the seams never line up, and it's just a disaster from start to end.

I have learned a great secret when it comes to wrapping presents however - find someone else to do it for you! This year, the someone else comes in two - my grandma and my mom. My grandma is wrapping my presents for my sisters to open at dad's family Christmas and my mom lovingly offered to wrap my roommate's, my stepbrother's, my old roommate/cousin's, and a few of my friends'. Yes, I may have pathetically whined incessantly til they caved, but that's not the point!

Also, my 10-year-old cousin is coming to stay with me for a couple of days. (Can you say free help?) I'll see if she'll help a cousin out.

Shoot. Five days til Christmas... I really need to get my butt in gear!

Bring it on, wrapping paper.

Sisters

"God help the mister / who comes between me and my sister/ and God help the sister/ who comes between me and my maaaaaan!"

Can I just say how amazing sisters are?

Sure, we fought like cats and dogs when we were little, but now I don't think I could live without them. Of course, having awesome sisters like mine does help.

Take my oldest sister, Brittni. She ALWAYS buys the parents' Christmas gifts, and picks up little things for me, yet never demands I pay her back immediately. She's worked her way through her bachelor's degree in Animal Science, and did college the right way - amazingly good grades, never partying or doing anything stupid. Now she's working off loans, and being an awesome big sister. She is an older, quieter version of me in certain ways - we both would rather curl up with a good book (yes, we have the same taste in books) than go out, we are both sarcastic most of the time, and we both have had teh job I currently have (she had this job right before I did). On the other hand, we can be total opposites - she prefers ballet flats where I love heels, she is more studious and hard working, while I can be a bit of a slacker, and she doesn't like to talk much to new people while I'll blab away to anyone. She is always the first to crack a joke at my expense and has no idea how old I am, but she's fiercly protective and will beat up anyone who hurts me. We've gotten a lot closer since we live in different cities, and I love going south to visit both of my sisters (they live together) as much as I can. Brittni is Mom's favorite, since they are almost the same person.

And then there's the middle sister, Kailee. She is different from me and brittni in the looks - she has brown eyes, curly hair like our dad while we have our mother's blue eyes and wavy messy hair - but we are all scarily similar in personality. Kailee has always been the funny one of the family, making everyone laugh constantly. She is also the peace keeper - she mediates all arguments in the family. She and I differ in our choices of majors (hers - human physiology, mine - English and Spanish), our choice of shoes (again, she likes flats while I like to be as tall as possible), and ou friends (I love hers, she doesn't like most of mine). She's outgoing and people-friendly, while I prefer to be surrounded by people I know, and I get annoyed very, very quickly. She's my war buddy, sticking up for me in family fights every single time. She's Dad's favorite, as close to a tomboy as any of us ever got. She lives and breathes football, and attends Dad's favorite school.

My sisters and I are all covered in scars from our battles as children. I literally bit Kailee once. However, I would take a bullet for either one of them any day. We are all so much closer now, since I know I can trust them to take care of me no matter what. We've gone to hell and back together, fighting our stepmother, worrying about family illnesses, and bonding over Harry Potter. Yes, Harry Potter. We are all obsessed. Brittni and I share books back and forth all the time, and she always steals anything Harry Potter related that I own any chance she gets.

Like the quote above from White Christmas, I love my sisters and any person who gets in between us will be in grave danger.

I cannot WAIT 'til Christmas Eve, when the three of us will be sleeping over at Gramma Tiny's, eating Christmas candy and enjoying each other's company.

it's that time of year!

Goodbye, hard earned cash.
Goodbye, sanity.
Goodbye, clean houses.
Goodbye, relaxation.

Hello, mistletoe!
Hello, fir trees!
Hello, tinsel!
Hello, stockings!
Hello, glitter!
Hello, family!

I am a fan of the Christmas spirit. I love Christmas music, I love Christmas trees, I love Christmas dinner.

However. I do not love Christmas shopping. In fact, I despise it. I hate rushing around like a nut job trying to track down the "perfect gift". Add in the stress of trying to get it all wrapped pretty and perfect (which, by the way, I am terrible at.) I can't tie pretty bows of ribbon, I can't make pristine edges, and my wrappings always look like they got ran over by a truck :(

This Christmas is going to be the strangest one yet. Last year was not fun, because my sister had to miss Christmas at Mom's house due to her work schedule, and everyone was hurried and grumpy. But still, this one may top the charts as the most "anti-traditional" for my family.

So, usually, the parent who didn't get us girls on Thanksgiving gets us on Christmas day, and the other parent gets us Christmas Eve. We had Turkey day with my dad's family (and a certain disrespectful stepmother), so we should be at my mom's for Christmas. That's a negative. Mom's family is renting a house in Sunriver, so we're doing Christmas after Christmas.
By this strain of logic, my sisters want to be at Dad's for Christmas Eve / Christmas morning. I do not want to step foot in the house of the wicked woman who hates me. Why would you go where you aren't wanted? So I'm going to stay at Grandma Tiny's, hopefully. Which means, no traditional stocking opening, no Christmas breakfast (which I don't like anyways, so no big loss there), no being 6 years old and waking the house up at 6 AM.

As much as I hate it, it looks like family Christmas as I knew it will never be the same again.

BUT.

I am extremely excited for my mom's Christmas. She handmade all the stockings for everyone, my crazy (in a good way) aunt will be here, along with her entire amazing family, and I get to see my stepbrother Casey (the one I still like) for the first time since I moved for college. Hurray! (Also, in the name exchange, I got my hopefully-soon-to-be-aunt, who is always super fun to shop for, and my grandma got me. Coconut Crispy Cookies, here I come!)

I hope you are all enjoying your Christmas season, and I hope you are either a) enjoying age-old family traditions or b) starting your own.

Enjoy your eggnog and pumpkin treats!

practical schmactical.

You want to know something strange about me?

Not once have I ever decided what I wanted to be when I grow up.

That's right. I have never made a plan for my life, or set a career goal.

I don't remember ever telling anyone "when I grow up, I want to be ....."

Usually when people ask me that question, I fill in the blank with "happy". Because what's life if you're unhappy? Shouldn't we all stop scrutinizing our futures and enjoy our here and nows? Can't we all just step back, look at what we've already accomplished, and go,"Oh, hey, I rock." Why does everyone feel this incessent need to tell me that I need to have a plan, I need to pick my career right now? I couldn't tell you what shoes I'm going to pick tomorrow, much less what I want to do with my life. Why do I need some huge life goal? I'm comfortable with taking this all one day or week at a time. I'll see where my heart leads me. My double degree I'm working on right now? May not be the smartest majors I could of picked, but I enjoy learning those subjects. I picked based on what classes I loved in high school, and I'm amazingly happy that I did. I love my classes. Sure, some professors leave a little more to be desired, but I genuinely love  my majors. I can't wait to learn more, hopefully getting the opportunity to learn more languages. I would love to do nothing but travel, explore life and love throughout the world, learning languages as I go. As Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love, "Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly." That woman did what I am DYING to do -  she did the unthinkable and gave up he hectic life to simply explore, enjoy, and marvel at the world.

So, as I told my friend Jen,

Practicality be damned, I'm going to study what I want to study.

and I'll find my own path, one step at a time, and love every minute of it.

found.

Gobble gobble

That's right, folks.
Tomorrow is Turkey Day, aka the best holiday EVER.

I love Thanksgiving. More than any other holiday. Even Christmas pales in comparison.

I mean, the holiday is traditionally based on food and family. Can you get any better?

Nope.

Just thinking of the turkey, the potatoes, the delicious pumpkin pie, and of course Gramma Tiny's homemade rolls has me drooling. Sadly, I have to only enjoy the soft foods due to my new collection of metal in my mouth- oh wait, all the good Thanksgiving food IS soft food. oooh buddy, I'm gonna gain back all ten pounds I've lost in the past month, and love every minute of it.

Now time for.......(drum roll please).....the traditional "What I'm Thankful For" list.
With a twist!
1) I'm thankful for my stepmom, who has shown me this year who my real family is.
2) I'm thankful for a certain almost-roommate, who let me escape her crazy and get to know my cousin again
3) I'm thankful for my orthodontist, who is helping me lose weight by putting braces on me today, the day before the feast
4) I'm thankful for all the bad in my life, so I can appreciate the good.

I know it's not typical, but I feel like I say the same things every year so I twisted it up a bit.

Now, time to enjoy some pumpkin cake, then head home to the Rock.

Happy Thanksgiving!

braceface

yep.
I get to rock the frizzy hair, glasses, metal mouth in all its glory.

The worst part?
I get my uppers the day before Thanksgiving.
Which means eating will be painful on a day that is literally based on food.

Looks like my turkey day will consist of mashed potatoes,
Pumpkin pie with no crust, and maybe, just maybe, a roll or two.

On top of the family issues that are sure to start - dinner with the stepmom, first time I've seen/spoken to her since July. Not looking forward to that moment.

Just having the spacers in is painful. My jaw is already overly crowded, and they threw in spacers. Sooo pleasant.

On the plus side, I do get to go to the midnight premier of Harry Potter :)

Couldn't say it better myself.

“"'I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure.'


A spinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined."”
 
Chuck Palahniuk stole the words right out of my mouth.
 
Found.

Rest in peace, Luke.

This past week, the Veneta/Elmira community took a hard hit. A young man, Luke Esgate, was killed in a BMX accident.

Now, when I first heard the news, I didn't think I knew the guy. I knew the name sounded familiar, but I figured he was a friend of a friend. Don't get me wrong, I was upset when I heard the news, but I didn't quite make the connection until my grandma called me tonight.

Luke had gone on a youth group retreat that my grandpa used to put on for the Elmira Church of Christ. It was the last retreat my grandpa has done, and I was the only granddaughter able to go. Once my grandma told me it was this Luke, I had to pull over and catch my breath. Luke was an amazing kid, only a few years younger than me but wise far beyond his age. He was fun to hang out with around the campfire, sweet, funny, and adorable. He was fairly quiet in comparison to his tent-mate, Robbie, but then again everyone was quiet in comparison. Luke seemed to have a special bond with the youth group leader, Ben K. I didn't really get the chance to really know Luke, and I only saw him a few times after the trip, but even I know that this world has lost an incredible young man way, way too early.

Rest in peace Luke. You are well-loved down here, and I know you will be missed.

Finally.

I am so incredibly HAPPY right now!

As of today, I am going to be getting back to the things I love - overachieving and helping others!

I was sitting in my British Lit class when I had a brilliant idea - I'm a linguistics major, so why can't I be a literature minor? I chatted with my advisor after class (I love my advisor - he's hilarious!) and he agrees with my idea, so tomorrow I'm gonna fill out the paperwork to be a double degree with a Spanish major, Linguistics Major, and a Literature Minor.

This is only PART of my overachiever status.

I also emailed the director of Abby's House (the women & children's resource center on campus) and am going to be resuming office hours as an advocate starting either tomorrow (depending on when she gets my email) or next Wednesday. I get to help with awareness events and finding resources for any person who comes looking for help!

That's the helping others part. There's still more to the overachiever!

Starting Monday, I will be a member of the National Society of Leadership and Success executive board for my campus's chapter. I'm so excited! I have to have separate meetings with the president rather than attending regular board meetings due to a work conflict, but I'm hoping I really get to help out with the program.

There is so much waiting out there for me, and I am determined to learn it all. I have decided to put the past behind me, forget people who hold me back, and spread my wings to soar. I am technically an adult now, so it's about time that I get my own life and live it to the fullest!

rawr.

it's be a frazzling day.

luckily it can be salvaged.

tonight:
i get a new phone (hopefully)

it's glee time.

skype dates with my beautiful, amazing, hilarious sister (s? maybe brittni will join us?) and the wonderful jerielle (yes, we are skypeing even though she lives approximately ten blocks from me)

hot cocoa. definitely necessary.

Bones. season 4.

homework (about 90% of which I'm actually excited about!)

tap dancing practice (although i'm strongly leaning towards dropping the class)

dear, sweet bedtime. and a good book.

yeah, it's going to be a good night. i'm determined to make it one.

Really?

Have you ever wanted to walk up to a stranger and thwack them a good one on the back of the head, Gibbs style?

Well, if you met some of the people I have recently, you'd want to. For example, a girl in my Survey of British Lit class today. I wanted to walk up to her and say, "Hi. I'm not nearly $20,000 in debt so that we could all sit around and listen to you babble and make a complete idiot out of yourself. Please shut the hell up and let DOCTOR Bliss speak. I'm pretty damn sure you have absolutely no idea what the hell you are talking about, and I'm here to learn. Thanks."

Seriously. I hate when people interrupt the professor to make a point in general, but this blathering idiot was just being incredibly dumb. I'm not an expert on the Bible, not even close, but even I know that Cain did not kill Able because God told him to. Also, when referencing other texts (i.e. relating Lord of the Rings to Beowulf) please, please have accurate knowledge of at least one of your reference points! Yes, the professor just related the two texts, but you don't have to try to outdo them. They are being paid for their knowledge of this subject.

It irks me that I have to deal with her all term. ten more weeks. oh. my. GOSH. I may end up punching her at some point. Luckily, my friend Kristin was equally annoyed with the girl, so we mimed various ways of hurting her to each other whenever she talked. which was A LOT. I have a feeling Kristin's water bottle may be afraid for its life for a long, long time.

It was just that one thing that sent me reeling into frazzeled and frustrated mode. Taking 17 credits is no where near how busy I have been before so far, but I'm already stressed out and it's only week one. This is going to be an insanely busy term! I'm up to my ears in homework and confused as heck most of the time. Apparently, during my 19 years (ok, maybe only 17 years) of being an avid reader, I was reading all the wrong material. There were about 700000000 x 10^23 references I've missed this week. Add that onto hormones in general (teenage girl syndrome sucks.), and frustration at family and at home (whole three hundred other stories) and you get one pissy, frustrated, tired little girl. All I want to do is run home to Grandma Tiny's and curl up under my favorite quilt, drinking cocoa and avoiding the world.

up until today, I was happy. Happier than I have been in a very, very, very long time. I finally got a new car (well, new to me) and don't have to worry about riding in a ticking time bomb, also affectionately known as Bibs, the '94 Oldsmobile. My 1990 Corolla is in better shape and overall looks better than poor Bibsy. He hasn't been named yet... Almost all of my friends are back in town now, with the glaring exception of Amy, who is currently completing a semester (term?) in New Zealand for her study abroad. Heidi and I have become closer than ever, spending almost every day together (yes, we have the same name, and yes we love to confuse people). I've been really getting to know the aforementioned Kristin, who happens to be Heidi W.'s roommate, and I'm kinda sad we didn't hang out more last year. Life has been good, minus one odd guy in my Spanish class who can't take a hint (he's nice and all, but kind of annoying, and was way too interested in the fact that I'm still single. Oh, did I mention he's 31?). I'm getting to know the awesome new Honors freshmen slowly, and they all seem like pretty cool people. One girl, Kailee, wants to be a criminal profiler. Not to be confused with my sister Kailee, who wants to be a doctor, or surgeon, or something super smart and medical-y.

And now I feel better. Rambling about the good in life actually outweighs the bad almost, and hopefully sleep will restore my spirit. And the chance to do some laundry...

I think I found love...

And it's name is Powell's Books.

The flagship store in Portland is this huge, multi-levelled heaven. NINE ROOMS FULL OF BOOKS. Yes. Nine. All color coded to genre, and organized extremely well. The store takes up an entire city block, with four different levels and almost any book you can imagine. I say almost because the reason behind the trip was to hunt down cheap textbooks, and we only found one that we needed.

Don't think I left with empty hands though. I walked out with 20 new books and a slightly empty bank account. Yes, a splurge was the worst idea ever for me right now, but my friend Heidi (yes, there is another Heidi, I am not referring to myself!) literally had to drag me out of the store. I scored several John Steinbecks and Shakespeares (5 plays, $0.95 each!) along with a few classics such as The Bell Jar. No, I've never read the famous novel, and I am dying to dive into it. All I want is to go live in back to Powell's and read every single book on their shelves. Except maybe the Japanese and German books I picked up for two friends. However, I hope to some day master a wide variety of languages, those two included.

Added to the deliciousness that is Powell's, Heidi and I went to the Sweet Masterpiece Chocolate & Coffee Bar, a small cafe a block away from the book heaven. They specialize in chocolate and coffee drinks, but their specialty sandwiches are to die for. The turkey that I ordered was one of the best turkey sandwiches I've ever had the pleasure to have a small allergic reaction to (something in the bread triggers mouth dryness and itching). It was delicately combined with pesto and cream cheese, with a hint of cranberry something (maybe chutney?). Heidi W. ordered the Margharita, an upscale take on a grilled cheese meets pizza. We decided next time, we'll order what the other had. Add in a super mocha for her, and a hot chocolate for me, and it was a perfect lunch. After a quick trip back to Powell's (where I drooled and Heidi picked up 2 more books while forbidding me to do the same), we headed back to the car.

On the way north, Heidi W. had mentioned she's never had a caramel apple. I decided to cure this poor girl's problem, so we stopped by Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Everyone knows you can't go into a chocolate shop and only order a caramel apple (plain for her, peanuts for me), so I had to pick up a couple of truffles to add to the ones bought at Sweet Masterpiece. Overall, I brought back a peanut butter truffle, 3 triple mocha ones, a death-by-chocolate one (for my chocolate addicted co-worker Paul), a pumpkin spice one, and a Mayan sea salted caramel for my stepdad.

In conclusion, today was a perfect day. I didn't die driving through Portland, I bought books and chocolate. I'm a happy girl tonight :)

I'm not movin'

*yes, this post was inspired by the song playing overhead at work*

I'm not movin'. I'm standing still, watching other lives fly forward, making major changes and enjoying their time in this world.

This entire summer, I thought I would finally get around to making something out of my life. I ended up just working and watching TV after my summer classes ended. I didn't have the resources to do something fun like learning a new language, and although I took a couple of trips, my travelling bug just wasn't satisfied. I'm restless, bored with my humdrum inability to DO anything. I function on a day to day basis, but I am incredibly bored. I've been in school since I was two years old, and I can't imagine doing anything else. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do after college. I don't know of any career that is just amazingly exciting to me. I can't see myself happy with a desk job, pushing papers all day long, but I also don't see myself doing anything outdoorsy or cool. I would love to work in the medical field, but I HATE Chemistry and Biology. I love Anatomy and Physiology, but I can't stand the thought of chem labs and bio tests. I absolutely love English, and all languages as a whole, but I'm not creative enough to be a writer or adaptive to languages enough to be a linguist. I don't want to do any type of social work, I hate politics, and I have never dreamed of going into space or fighting fires.

I sit, comfortable yet anxious, just waiting for a good knock on my senses. The world is screaming "you can't just wait for dreams to come true; you have to make it happen yourself!" However, I don't have any dreams. I've never had a dream or a goal for when I was a grown-up, and now I'm screwed. I don't know what I want, or that I even want anything at all. I've always taken a passive approach, avoiding thoughts of the future because it's too scary. I have no idea what I'm good at. I don't have an outstanding talent for anything.

So, I sit. And wait. And hope that maybe, someday, I can have a dream of my own

My perfect theme song

Everyone needs a theme song, in my opinion. I mean, everyone marches to the beat of their own drum, but there can sometimes be that one song that perfectly describes you, or a part of you.

My friend Stephen says his theme song is The Way I Feel by the 12 Stones. Good song, although slightly depressing.

Me personally? I just found my theme song by accident. Yes, it was sang on Glee by Idina Menzel (gorgeous), and that may be how I came across it, but the original Barbra Streisand version is amazing. Just listen here. (the song starts about 47 seconds in)

Funny Girl

Funny.
Did you hear that?
Funny.
Yeah, the guy said
"Honey, you're a funny girl."

That's me.
I just keep them in stitches
Doubled over
And although I may be all wrong for a the guy
I'm good for a laugh.

I guess it's not funny.
Life is far from sunny
When the laugh is over
And the joke's on you
A girl oughta have a sense of humor.

That's one thing you really need for sure
When you're a funny girl
The fella said, "A funny girl"
Honey, how it ain't so funny
Funny

i like me some sports

Ah fall.

It's my favorite time of year.

School starts back up, friends return from summer vacations, cute sweaters and boots are a fashion must,

and the best part of all?

FOOTBALL.

    Oh yes. The absolute best sport ever invented. My family thinks I don't like football because I don't care about a team's stats or even who's playing. They couldn't be more wrong. I LOVE football. The actual game playing part is what I'm interested in. Sure, I can say I'm a Colts girl or a Giants fan (what can I say? I am a big Peyton Manning / Kevin Boss fan).
    NFL team loyalty isn't my cup of tea, however. I prefer college or high school football. The guys who are out to play football for the sake of playing football, not for the fame or the endorsements.

   Take my high school team. I'm pretty sure we haven't sent too many people to college on full-ride football scholarships, but that doesn't stop the boys from going out every Friday night and playing their hearts out. My high school thrives on sports in general, but Friday nights the entire town is on the sidelines, cheering the boys on and talking about the good ol' days. The boys march out on that field and just play, no fancy shmancy showing off or any other trick in the NFL book.

    My college is the same way. It's a small university, division II. We aren't nationally recognized for our sports programs (except men's lacrosse) but that doesn't stop the players. We play for pride, the small town rally. We charter busses to an away game. Our team gives every game their all, win or lose.

There's just something about football that makes a small town girl swell with joy and school spirit.

Go Wolves!

Happy Birthday Gramma!

Today, 60+ years ago, the world welcomed a little baby girl. Little did anyone know, but that tiny sprout of a lady would grow up to become one of the strongest, most beautiful women I would ever meet.

Oh, did I mention she's my grandma?

Grandma Doane is without a doubt one of the most incredible people I have the pleasure of knowing. She looks like this cute, tiny, fragile doll of a woman. Oh trust me, the woman is far from weak. She's the tree that bends a teeny bit but doesn't break in the middle of a hurricane. I hope I can be half the woman she is, surviving crappy situations to come out fighting. She has pulled through the world's worst marriage, raised 4 kids (who sound like they were hellraisers back in the day, but all 4 are doing good things with their lives), and survived Hodgkins's Lymphoma. Not only did she survive, she fought tooth and nail to pull through. She claims it was so nobody can steal my Grandpa Doane, but we all know it's because she's too damn stubborn to give up. She also has pulled through TWO bouts in the intensive care unit from the residual damage of the radiation treatment she received to fight the HL.

She has lived through my biological grandfather (aka the sperm donor) to finally find true happiness with the man I'm proud to call my grandpa. She has helped her four children grow up to be good people, and her grandkids are turnign out that way too, if I may say so myself. Grandma may be teeny tiny cutesy, but she's got a fighting spirit that I really hope I've inherited. Also, she makes some of the best goshdarn food I've ever eaten! I have to fight off my grandpa, mom, and sister to get some of Gramma's delicious Coconut Krispie cookies - they are AMAZING. I don't even really like coconut, and I could live off the krispies.

All in all, Grandma Doane is at the top of my list of heroes. I love her to pieces, even if she does make me share the cookies!

Love you more than words can say Grandma.

PURGE!

Today is a fun purging day.
(also, I love the word purge)

Starting with Facebook. Purged of "friends". Anyone who has neither a) been the first to start a conversation with me or b) been someone I actually know and have talked to on more than one occasion. So what if we went to school together way back when? That doesn't mean I really care about your dramatic statuses or inappropriate pictures. And besides, will you even NOTICE if I'm no longer your facebook friend? Doubtful.

So goodbye "friends". I'm tired of always having to be the one who looks desperate by ALWAYS starting the conversation.

Next up, the pictures. Do I really need over 300 pictures reminding me of high school and showing all my awkward stages (there was a lot)? Nope, don't think so. Senior trip and graduation pictures can stay up I guess, but anything older - bye bye. The pictures are on my computer if I ever wanna see them.

That's pretty much all I can purge from work, but when I get home my bedroom is up next.

Getting rid of anything that doesn't fit or I haven't worn in a long time - maybe I can cut down on Tshirts finally. Goodbye random garbage (old reciepts, random scraps of paper from I don't know where) and any other random junk that has no room in my life.

Purging feels good :)

whoa.

I've been on a bit of a blogging block. (whoa, alliteration no intended!)

I've been crazy busy lately, with finishing up my computer science class (no more classes! hello, summer vacation) and working A LOT. like, I've chalked up more hours this past two weeks than ever before. that includes my training weeks. that's saying a lot.

However, even with my brain on auto pilot and pretty much being exhausted 24/7, I've had several interesting conversations lately.

First off, when the eff did everyone decide that 2010 was going to be the year to get engaged, married, and/or pop out a baby?? Several of my friends have gotten engaged recently, two others married this summer (for those two I use the term "friend" lightly, since I wasn't actually invited to either wedding... interesting), and several people I know have been having babies (for example, my roommate, the girl I was supposed to live with, my cousin, my other cousin, etc). Seriously. Babies, rings, weddings OH MY!

This topic has been part of many, many conversations lately - actually sparked an interesting analogy, but that's hard to explain. It does make me wonder though - what the hell is going on??? Did I miss out on a memo that this is supposed to be the year of life changing events? I'm not even remotely close to doing any of the above activities (considering you need a male counterpart in all three - if you're straight like me, that is.) Nor do I have any desire to ever accomplish any of them. I despise weddings, don't want children at all (I like the Aunt title, not the Mommy one) and am only 19 - not exactly ready to be tied down to anything.

Some of these wedding and engagements and babies make sense - Hayley (one of the two married ones) and her now-husband have been together since forever. They are a match made in heaven (and coming from me, who doesn't believe in all that mushy romantic soul mate crap, that's saying something.) My cousin Tristin just had a baby girl (well, she's 8 months old now...), and it's pretty much perfect timing - she's been married for 5 years now (I think...). Kristen, my old friend, just got engaged to the guy we all knew she'd marry since freshman year of high school.

Sometimes it's right. For me, they're all insane, but that's just me :)

All this wedding/engagement madness sparked several conversations between me and my good friend Amy, who is going to be in a wedding in December. She actually wants to get married someday and have kids, but not right away. These conversations made me realize just how close we really are, and how much I miss her while she's in New Zealand.

Which leads to my other thought process - friends.

It's weird. I thought I was so close with my high school classmates, that we would all stay close as we went our separate ways for college and careers. Boy, was I wrong. Not only do I not talk to 90% of my class, but I don't really consider most of them friends anymore. Sure, I talk to one or two of my "best friends" occasionally, but I've only maintained steady contact with one person I graduated with - oddly enough, we weren't super close until senior year. We used to compete over everything, in sports as rival elementary schools, over grades in high school, etc. We now talk at least once a week, and can talk about everything and anything. Bailey and I lead very different lives, but somehow we understand what each other is going through.

Now that my freshman year is over, I know I've got people all over from college. I have a lot of people that I consider to be really good friends and I've stayed in contact with a ton of people this summer. Sure, a few people hurt me, and I hurt a few (unintentionally) but it's life. People come and go, some stay for only a few days, others last a lifetime. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had gone to a different high school, or a different college, but I actually don't care. I like my life as is. I know I always have Amy, Heidi, and Carolee, along with the other 30 people in our Honors program class, and I love it.

Wow, I just keep getting more and more random with these posts..  Odd!

the epitome of my nerdiness

I am, without a doubt, a complete and total nerd.

Most 19-year-olds go out with friends, party hardy, and have social lives. Not me - I would rather go home, slip on some sweats, and read.

I love school. Like, if it was free, I would stay in school my entire life. I don't even mind doing homework. I just love learning.

This fall, my true nerd status kicks in. I'm taking 20 credits, 12 of them being language classes. I'm gonna be taking Spanish, Latin, and Ancient Greek. The best part is - I can't wait to get started! I absolutely love languages. I wanted to take French and German as well, but I do have to take classes towards my English major... which I'm also incredibly excited about. Since I'm a English - Linguistics major, I get to learn about the science behind languages! I'm actually a little bummed I couldn't fit in more classes. I also wish there were more Honors classes offered, since there are none offered that would help me in any way.

This summer, I took eleven credits worth of classes, and I'm actually bummed that two of them are over now, and I only have two weeks left on my computer science course. However, that means I am now free to finally read some of the 20+ books I have bought in the last year and haven't had the time to read yet. It's gonna be me and a book, every day from here on out. (Minus my trip to see the other Heidi in Washington, but that's still not 100% confirmed.)

Anybody else a complete nerd? Steve Urkles of the world, Unite!

picture via google images

dear brain.

Please, shut up.

These past three days, my brain has been on overload, running nonstop. If it was about school stuff, I wouldn't mind so much (since I have five papers to turn in by the end of this week), but no. All I can think about is the past.

Last week, I went on a vacation with my dad's side of the family. Let's just say I remember why I love living an hour away, and I'm pretty sure that's the last family vacation we're ever going to take.

That week has got me thinking though. My relationship with my stepmother has always been rocky, as we don't see eye to eye on a wide variety of things. We have constantly had battles, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to get better. We have done the silent treatment, the screaming, the all out war. We just don't get along. I try, for my dad, because i know she makes him happy, but there's not a whole lot that can be done. We are tw very different people, and it is very difficult to get along for more than maybe a day.

Other things from my past have been haunting me - stupid boys. Lately I've been stuck thinking about two exes of mine, and how things ended. For most of the past school year, I've been going back and forth with one of them, flirting and coming close to getting back together, then one of us backs off. We were practically together towards the end of the year, then he stopped talking to me out of nowhere. I haven't heard from him in four months, and I have no idea what happened. It kills me, but I won't be the first to make contact. The other one I've been thinking about was a blip during my senior year of high school. Living an hour apart, we basically had our relationship through the internet and phone calls, and it only lasted 3 weeks. It's the way that it ended that drives me nuts. I basically pushed him to break up with me because he never waned to hang out or see me. He was a huge pansy, never taking command and being a man. After we broke up, he refused to have anything to do wih me, completely ignoring me and a friend when we went to his school on class business. He was pretty immature, and by the time we graduated three months later, he was back with his ex. Who, by the way, decided that her and I were going to be good friends, then suddenly changed her mind and refuses to speak to or acknowledge me. A mutual friend said the ex/current girlfriend was jealous of me, and would break up with pansyboy if he acknowledged me. Insecure, much?

But, no matter how many flaws i can point out or how much I know it's better for them to be in the past, I can't get theses two out of my head. I'm not dying to get back together with them, at all, but I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently. It's killing me to not know what happened, why I'm apparently either not good enough, or just unwanted. I'll be the first to admit that I am highly insecure, and it kills me that someone thinks I'm not good enough, with no good explanation behind it.

sorry for the rambling rant, and patheticness of this post. anyone else constantly stuck in the past?

school school school

My life revolves around school.
Honest.

You know how they say that after high school, college is a blast because you get to take whatever classes you want and you get to set your own schedule?

Lies. My life is ruled by classes only being offered at certain times, only offered once in a blue moon, and I can only take classes that pertain to my degree or it's a waste of credits.

Take this fall term. I really, really wanted to take American Sign Language. Languages are my passion, as I am majoring in both English and Spanish, and my grandma used to teach me sign language as a little girl. ASL is so interesting, and I would love to become fluent in it.
HOWEVER. My current minor, Latin American Studies, has a very select number of classes required for it, and they are not offered every term, or even every year. I have to take them as soon as they become available. So, this fall, when I noticed that TWO classes required are being offered, I jumped at the chance. History 435 and Sociology 352, check. Added onto the classes necessary for my major, I'm taking 19 credits. The maximum is 18, which means I'll have to pay extra tuition.

So, no room for "fun" classes like ASL, or French, or Latin, or any of the other languages I want to learn. I can't even take a 2 credit Phys Ed class. SUCKY.

This summer, I'm taking 2 more classes for Latin American Studies, and one class that is required for a Bachelor of Arts - oh yeah, after I take Honors Biology fall term of my junior year, I'm done with my basic requirements. To quote my good friend Bailey, "Bamsies." Hopefully, I'll be -this- much closer to being finished with my minor too - I only need 12 more credits after fall term if I pass all of my classes, which will only be history classes with my minor advisor, who's pretty awesome.

My majors, however, are going to be a pain in the bahookie. I can't start taking classes for my Spanish major other than the basic language class until my junior year, and I have several (and I mean SEVERAL) credits to take to finish the degree. English will be fairly easy to finish before then I hope, with summer terms and going over 18 credits every term.

Well, time to hit the homework again. If you feel the urge to share about your school experiences, please do, comments are ALWAYS welcome!

first attempt at a grown up shopping trip - epic fail.

I had a plan for today.
I was going to be early, breeze up to Target, and meet my sister to begin our adult day.
I was going to march into Target, pick up the gorgeous bookshelf I had my heart set on, pick out a new swimsuit that miraculously hid my body flaws, grab a cheap, yet delicious, lunch, and breeze on home.

Epic fail.

GoogleMaps took me on a crazy, unnecessarily windy route, when I was running on a quarter of a tank of gas. I was ten minutes late to meet my sister, and I was a wreck. My hair was supremely disagreeable, and it was one of those "throw on the first clean clothes available" days, which meant I was definitely not the most presentable.

When I finally met up with my sister, we marched into Target and headed to the furniture section.
The bookshelf I was looking for was a beautiful 5-shelf, black, classic unit, which is listed on Target website as $19.99 and only available in stores - supposed to be in stock in Albany.

The only bookshelf I found at Target cost $119.99. For three shelves. Ridiculous.

So we picked up a "fifteen cube storage unit", not realizing the supremely tiny proportions. It now holds my shoes, since it would never fit even a single book. Thirty bucks, in a tiny 2x1.5 foot piece of particle board. So frustrating.

To drown my sorrows, we head off to Old Navy to get me shorts and a swimsuit (my sister is a little cash-strapped, and I had a visa gift card from an aunt burning a hole in my pocket). Out of the FIFTEEN ITEMS I took into the fitting room, I took out TWO. The swimsuits were the only things that fit. at all. I discovered that I have gone up a few pants sizes, and it was awful. Luckily I got two new suits that fit me well and hide my tattoo (my dad harbors an extreme dislike for tattoos).

Then it was off to Ross. Once again, discovered I've gained too much for the cute shorts, and only walked out with a t-shirt. Same story at Maurices, only I walked out with 2 expensive pairs of shorts that were several sizes larger than I care to admit to.

Back in Target, I managed to snag a pair of sunny yellow shorts and a pair of jean capris that are super cute, and actually a little large on me - I need a belt! However, the entire day left me feeling fat, broke, and awful. I bought the stuff from Maurices and Target (clothes) on my personal debit card, and I am definitely feeling buyer's remorse. I'm seriously considering returning the clothes I bought today simply because I can't afford them right now and they make me feel fat as it is. However, I don't have the money to spend on the gas to drive back and return the clothes.

It was great to spend the day with my sister, just the two of us, not fighting. However, I nearly broke down into tears seeing how my fat thighs and waist didn't fit into any of the cute, CHEAP clothes I wanted. I hadn't realized how big I had gotten until the shame was filling the dressing room. I was mortified, failing to fit into over 30 pairs of shorts in front of my sister. I can't seem to get my bad habits under control, and I spend and I eat way more than I'm able to afford. I need to learn self control. I need to grow up.

The things we learn from tv

“The only way to get better is to make mistakes.”

Best life advice ever, given by a judge on So You Think You Can Dance.

We can’t grow unless we let ourselves acknowledge the fact that we need to change. We have to consciously make efforts to change ourselves, preferably for the better. We have to know where we need to work, and let ourselves grow. As Mia Michaels said, we need to make mistakes. We have to open up to being flawed and making huge fools out of ourselves. Making mistakes is tough, but they are a necessary factor in life and sometimes can be the most fun part of things.

I make mistakes almost daily. I try to never make the same mistake twice, but some of my mistakes have been the best moments of my life. I have become a stronger, better person because of my past, and I can’t wait to see what my future brings to me. I love learning, so I try to grasp every opportunity I can. I sometimes have to throw the rule book out the window and feel my way through life, but that’s when I learn the most. Stepping out of our comfortable, perfect daily scheduled lives and doing the things that scare us is the way to go.

I’m scared outta my mind, but I’m ready to leap into the unknown. Care to join me?

I am the exception.

I love the movie He's just not that into you. Hilarious, and full of good actors. (Did anyone else notice that the actress who played Jennifer Aniston's sister also played Kate from NCIS??)

My favorite character is by far Ginnifer Goodwin. She learns that most women are the rule, not the exception. Now, for her, it applies to her love life. I looked at that saying from a different perspective.

However, I like to think of myself as the exception, not the rule.

For example: How many 19-year-olds do you know that actually love going to school and can't wait for vacations to end?? I'm the only one I know. If it was free, I would be a student as a career. I love learning. Finding out new little factoids and truths is exhilarating. Most 19 year olds like vacations, having time away from homework and tests. I crave classes, doing nothing but learning.

Example #2: Although I am not passionate about my job, I love going to work. I'm not doing my dream job by a long shot, and this may not be a career, but I love coming into work and wish I could come in for more hours. I like being a responsible adult who is held accountable for providing a service. I love my coworkers, and I like my desk. I know what I'm doing, and I'm getting fairly good at it. I don't know a lot of people who wish they could work more just for the sake of working - I'd be willing to come in and volunteer to do my job! That's how much I like it here.

Example #3: I would rather read than go out and see a movie. The books are always infinitely better, so why not pay $10 for a paperback that I can reread for centuries instead of spending $20 on a DVD that will be outdated in the next decade? Why bother wasting money on technology when books never go out of style?

As for me being the rule, I'm exactly like Ginnifer's character when it comes to our love lives. I overanalyze, overexpect, and eventually drive guys away. But I'm learning that I won't give the guys what they want, so they aren't worth my time. I don't need a man to be happy (not saying it wouldn't be nice) but considering I don't believe in marriage, what's the point in stressing over a relationship? I've got school to worry about, and that's plenty of stressing for me.

But hey, life's no fun if you're just one of the crowd.

Be the odd one out:

Photo credit: Google Images

birthday!

That's right.
Today, we celebrate my birth.
And by "we celebrate", I mean a bunch of people text/Facebook birthday wishes to me from various glorious vacation spots.

That's a slight downside to summer birthdays, but I've had 19 of them so I'm pretty used to it by now.

Today was actually a fairly good one :)

My new roommate happens to also be my cousin, and she happens to have an adorable 4 1/2 month old son. I played with the baby while she got ready for work, and he's pretty much the coolest thing since sliced bread. I mean, he doesn't cry unless his tooth hurts or he's hungry. Pretty kickass little kid.

Then it was a glorious three hour time frame to myself. Hello, cozy couch and the excellent chick flick Serendipity. Perfection :)

Off to Latin American film class, a pretty legit class that is slowly climbing my favorites list. We watched a horribly depressing film (very eye opening, however!) about the repression in El Salvador. Finally talked to someone in the class (yay me!), AND helped the professor remember the right word.

Then, off to study for online class, Human Migration. Ran into a girl who was in my English class spring term in the Honors lounge, and we both awkwardly could overhear what was supposed to be a confidential meeting - maybe they shouldn't hold them in rooms where the wall bordering a lounge isn't a full wall...

Then, it was off to enjoy the day! Called up Ash, ex-roommate/best friend, and within ten minutes I was at her house for an impromptu birthday celebration. She treated me to Shari's (crepes, stuffed hashbrowns, and coconut cream pie?? hello, heaven) and we went and got me a new debit card (yay! no more scratched stripe!).

On my way home, my current roommate Stacy calls me up and asks what I want for dinner for my birthday. Due to the shortage of time before I had to dash to work, we settled on pizza - our friend Tristan picked it up and brought it over. However, it was "you-bake", and it wasn't quite finished when I left, so I have pizza waiting for me when I get home :) Also, Tristan bought me a "dessert pizza", which I have no idea what it is and I'm excited to try it :)

Only downer is that no one at work has remembered my birthday, but oh well. It's mostly men when I get here anyways and we ALL know how their memory is ;) One front desk girl DID facebook me a happy birthday, so I guess that counts :)

All in all, a good, simple birthday :) I've been celebrating all week, with dinner with Ash on Monday, lunch with Marianne on Tuesday, lunch with Carolee and Mike yesterday, and dinner with my families this coming Saturday and next Tuesday.

Well, 19, let's get this party started. I liked 18, so don't be too hard on me, ok?

A day for the dads...

I love Father's Day. A day dedicated to celebrating the most important men in my life? Heck yes!

Of course, my number one will always be my daddy. He raised three girls, mostly on his own, and we all turned out pretty darn good (if I may say so myself). We learned together that 1) Daddy should never attempt to curl hair (My sister's poor head), 2) Daddy can make a mean tuna cassarole, and pancakes, 3) Daddy is a big ol' tough man who's really a teddy bear, and the list goes on. Daddy always wanted a little boy, someone to play catch with and go hunting and do "man things" together with. Instead, he got three tomboys, rough and tumble little girls who lived and breathed sports and had little interest in the opposite sex (until high school, that is...). Sure, none of us turned out to be fantastic basketball superstars, or sports stars in general, but I think we made Daddy proud. He'll always be our Superman, and I cannot express just how much I love him.

Today is a special day because I get to celebrate more than one father in my life. My stepdad, Rick (aka Boonie) is a brave man. He married my mother ten years ago, knowing that he was moving into a house full of pre-teen girls. He had two sons, so he wasn't really sure how to handle girls, but I think he's weathered the storm quite well. Boonie has always supported us girls in pursuing the dreams, no matter how crazy the dreams might have been. He introduces us as his daughters, and he has been more than caring, loving, and generous to us.

Both of these men have taught me many lessons in life, whether it's teaching me how to drive (Sorry I flipped your truck, Daddy, and sorry about the traumatic emotional breakdown Boonie!), teaching me how to fix things (both are big believers in the magic of duct tape), or teaching me what love truly is (the way they love their wives is utterly amazing).

The other toop men in my life?
My grandpas.
There's four of them (how lucky am I?)

Grandpa Monte - the man, the myth, the legend. Gramps has overcome huge, HUGE obsticles in his life, yet is still able to love with his whole heart and trusting and caring towards others. His relationship with God is one to be admired, along with Grandpa's strength and spirit. The man fiercely loves, protecting those who need it. He is a miracle in itself. He taught me how to love, how to live, and how to laugh. He is mid-seventies, but he's still kicking strong. He is still logging and packing his mule train into the mountains. He goes and goes and goes and never lets life hold him back.

Grandpa Doane - Grampa Whiskers is an amazing man. He stepped into our crazy, crazy family willingly, adopting my mother and her siblings during their pre-teen years and saving my grandma for certain insanity (well, as much as he could). He is a man of quiet strength, the support system to the entire family. He loves all of us as though we were his own, and I wouldn't change a single thing about him. He is one of my favorite people to joke around with, and we like to "further the musical education" of each other by swapping mixed CDs. He's a big teddy bear, the best kind there ever was.

Grandpa Boone - Sadly, Grandpa was taken away from us before I truly got to know him. I will always call him my grandpa though, and I love hearing stories about his life. He was a mischevious boy, which led to many different career paths. I think Grandpa tried a little bit of everything, from owning coffee dispensing machines to running a nutria farm. He loved Grandma June with all of his heart, as they weathered 66 years of marriage and 3 kids together. He was a quiet fellow, a deep thinker, who loved to play cards. He was a good man, and I wish I had gotten the chance to know him better. I may have been a stepgranddaughter, but he treated me the same as all of his biological grandchildren.

Grandpa Bob - Ah Bob. He is my stepmother's stepfather (confusing, right?), and he is a character. He loves to talk, and he will tell stories all day long about his days working for PG&E, or how he truly was born in a barn. His favorite topic is hunting and fishing, so him and Grandpa Monte get along great. He's a good guy, and I'm glad he's a part of the family now.

Boyfriends may come and go, but no man is as important to a girl as her daddy. Happy Father's Day to all of the wonderful, stand-up guys who are trying their best to be the greatest dad ever. Sadly, I have to say that title is already taken, held by my daddy and always will be.

I love you, Daddy!

eeeek!

My best friend graduated high school last night!!!

I'm incredibly proud of her. She survived transferring schools halfway through senior year and managed to come out the happiest I have ever seen her. She could not stop grinning and hugging every person she knew. I love her to death and am beyond happy and excited for her!

Last night was pretty much all around excellent. My good friend Cady went to Sarah's graduation with me, and we had A LOT of catching up to do. Gosh, I love that girl. We are so incredibly different that we mesh quite well. We give each other new perspectives on everything, and she pushed me to make a decision that I've been waffling over for the past few weeks. Here's to no regrets!

Sitting outside the Flo-Town DQ, eating ice cream and sitting on the hood of my car, was possibly one of my favorite moments ever. It was slightly warm (shocking!) and so chatting wasn't causing us to freeze.

Talking and seeing Sarah graduate made me realize what great friends I've got. Moving away, I lost touch with almost everyone I grew up with, and some of them will probably stay out of touch.

However, I managed to gather three amazing, crazy, wonderful best friends. Funny thing is, they have never met. Sydnie has been there the longest, my better side since seventh grade. She moved to a bigger school after freshman year, and Sarah moved to Crow my sophomore year. Surprisingly they have never met each other. Odd. And neither one has met Ashely, the freaking awesome roommate I got randomly paired up with (thank you, office of university residences!). I feel like I'm torn between the three, as to who is really my number one. But I can't choose. They are all so different, so amazing, and so close to me. Sydnie is my cookie friend who can talk friends and "friends" (best tv show EVER) for hours with me. Sarah and I have weathered more than our fair share of troubles together (side by side, never against each other) and we can talk about anything, any time. Ash...well, I can't even put our relationship into words. I'm the crazy, disorganized, all-over-the-place one, and she keeps me rooted and sane.

These three girls are family to me. They are among the most important people in my life. I would give my life for any of them, and I can't even say how incredibly glad I am that they have all been brought into my life.

Well, this was a random post.....I seem to always start out with one blog topic in mind and then go off on random tangents...whoops! Have a great day everyone, and take time to appreciate those people you just can't live without.

The end of a beginning

MEH.
Why must all good things end?

It's the final week of freshman year (ah tonight's my final night in the dorms!!).
Most people are already packed and outta here. Visits promised, hugs exchanged, dorms cleaned out.

I'm thinking it's the end of the beginning. But it's beginning to be new again.

I'm moving to a house (yes! a legit HOUSE!) with my cousin (and her adorable baby boy).
My roommate/best friend is moving into an apartment THREE BLOCKS AWAY (score!).
There's a redbox (dvd rentals for those of you who are scratching your heads in wonder) perfectly inbetween. Saturdays or Mondays are going to become our date nights. Popcorn, movie, best friend - life is sweet :)

However, some friends are moving home for the summer, and others will be moving away for good. One friend is moving to a college on the East Coast, in South Carolina. We never got extremely close, but classes just won't be the same with out her. Another friend is off to New Zealand for a study-abroad for 5 months. We won't see her darling face state-side until next January. More friends are moving on to bigger schools, ranging from 20 minutes to 3 hours away. I can't help but wonder - what is the future bringing?

No matter where people end up, I'm amazingly glad I got the chance to gain, lose, and gain again some good friends. It will be weird, not seeing the same familiar faces on campus, but maybe this is my chance. Time to break free of the Honors classes (just for fall term- nothing is offered for me!) and meet new people. Venturing out of my shell broadened my circle of friends immensely this last term, so who knows what all non-Honors classes will bring?

Well, since I should be packing and finishing my English take-home final, I guess it's time to end this odd, depressing post. Anybody else going through big changes right now? Share away!

Right here, right now.

Man, my brain has been going into overtime lately.
Over-thinking, overanalyzing, playing the "What-if?" game non-stop.
("what if we had another chance? what if i hadn't done this? what if i hadn't let him get away?")

It's scary in my mind sometimes. Constantly turning, running through multiple scenarios. All the time. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could stop thinking and just do. I want to be able to dive before I look, even if it is just once. But, I'm too scared of making a mistake. I don't want to look back and go, "well, that was stupid and look at all the damage done."

I'm not the typical college girl. I have no desire to drink or have sex. I want to stay a virgin until I'm married, which automatically rules me a "prude". My parents just instilled the fear of anything inappropriate by saying, "Don't do anything you wouldn't want to tell Grandpa about." The extent of my "foolishness" is my tattoo, which I actually contemplated for a good seven months before I got it done. I don't regret it at all, but my grandparents have no idea that I have it. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of girl who could have a fling with no strings attached, who could kiss a guy and not get emotionally attached. My problem is I'm an emotional wreck. I get emotionally attached to everything (except animals, oddly enough). Heck, I have stuffed animals and old kids' meals toys that I can't bring myself to throw away.

I have so much I want to accomplish in life, I don't know if I'll get it all done. However, I know I could get so much more done if I could just shut my brain down for a bit. If I was always worrying, I could actually be productive.

Well, I'm hoping I'll have yet another revelation as to shut myself up. Until then, here I go, bumbling and stumbling through this crazy twisty path called life.

Ahh, sweet turnaround.

You ever have a pivitol, "ahhhh" moment?
Like, relaxing after a stressful test, or discovering money in an old pair of pants?

It always happens just when I need it too.

For example, today.

Holy bejeebers, what an awful start!
Slept through my alarm,
nearly fell out of bed (yikes!),
couldn't find my keys (they hid under my bed!),
forgot my wallet & had to turn around,
was five minutes late to work (and had a patient waiting - no bueno!)
realized after checking in an xray patient that my xray tech wasn't there
got in a texting fight with both sisters,
flipped out on a guy for asking a simple question (again on texting- my bad!)
and spent 99.9% of my morning fighting back tears of frustration.
Then,
I stumbled.
No, not down the stairs again (read about that adventure here),
But across a delightful blog.

I've only been following Chelsea for a couple of weeks, but I LOVE her. She's hilarious, bold, and pretty much awesome. She listed a few of her favorite posts, and boredom drove me to clicking (bad habit, I know.) I clicked on one, just mosying, and found out she's doing something kinda AWESOME. Who else posts notes to brighten other's days?

I'm thinking this may be fun to adapt to my campus. Especially this week, during finals.

For more fun ideas (hello, banana deliciousness and chocolate heaven-in-a-cup), I always check Chelsea's site. Sometimes, it takes another's kookyness to highlight your day.

Aretha Franklin had it right.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Does anybody remember what that is any more??
Remember the good ol' days when people had respect for themselves, for others, and for life in general?
What happened?

Our society is not slowly sliding into this decline. We're hurtling, head-first, into a nasty lifeless pit.
When did it become ok to disrespect others?
When did it become ok to disrespect yourself?

Looking around, I see younger and younger children losing the good ideals. My sisters and I watched a horrific portion of 20/20 where a 7-year-old boy was being raised to say "God Hates America!" and picket military funerals. The church that the boy's family belongs to raises children to believe that God hates everyone. They yell horrid remarks based on religion, sexual orientation, etc. There is zero respect for anyone outside of the church, and it was horrific to watch. The picketting of the military funerals was horrendous. The men and women who gave their lives to support our freedom should be allowed a dignified burial, mourned as heroes. Attacking the families and saying that God likes dead soldiers is the worst kind of disrespect I have ever seen. It made me sick to my stomach.

Following 20/20, we went to a local a capella show. I may be a freshman in college but I still have no idea why women feel the need to have zero respect for themselves and their bodies. I mean, is cancer and STD's really worth fitting in? I asked my sister several times where all the pants had gone. Seriously, ladies, can we cover our bodies in public? I'm not asking you to where the full body coverings of the Middle East, but can you at least cover the vajayjay? Tops that stop approximately two centimeters from your "downstairs" preferably should have some sort of bottoms underneath. Please maintain some tiny form of decency and dignity, ok? We're supposed to be role models for the young girls who look up to us. I don't want my niece to grow up thinking she has to bare every inch of skin to be gorgeous, or that she has to get knock-out, falling down drunk to fit in. It's disturbing and disgusting. The amount of inebriated women at the show was awful. One girl couldn't even walk. She staggered side to side, finally leaning on the back of a truck to support herself so she could make a phone call. What is the point in getting so entirely drunk that you can't remember what happens and you wake up hating yourself the next day?

Here's my big issue. When did it become acceptible to disrespect the opinions and ideals of others, especially those in authority?? Just because you don't agree with a professor's idea of how to teach a class doesn't mean you have the right to attack their way of teaching and attempting to get us to learn. You also don't have the right to jump down other's throats for simply expressing a different opinion than yours. Listen to what others have to say. Hear their proof and arguments, and consider what they are saying before you completely shoot them down. Nobody should be as cruel and evil as to belittle someone for standing up and saying something. Taking a stand and being unnecessarily rude are two very, very different things. At least respectfully disagree; say you see the other point of view, but you personally believe that x is y, and provide your reasons. You hate being interrupted, so why interrupt others?

The lack of respect around this world is getting to me. So you don't like the President's stand on an issue. Instead of uselessly arguing or picketting, write a letter outlining your concern. Provide strong arguments, but don't just heedlessly hack away at someone else's defense. If someone makes a point, and another person simply says the first person is wrong and does not support the claim while repectfully disagreeing, I will support the first person's claim every day of the week.

It's ok to agree to disagree. It's ok to dress to show off your body in a decent way. It's ok to disagree with a professor's tactics to an extent.

Just follow in Ms. Franklin's footsteps.

RESPECT.
Find out what it means to me.

The cranky old cat lady, minus the cats.

I hate marriage.

The whole idea of it.

I also never want kids.

No snotty nosed munchkins coming outta this womb.

Uh-uh. No way.

I'm content with being an aunt.

As long as I can hand the child back, I'm ok with it.

I don't want pets.

Cats hate me, fish freak me out, and rabbits are dull.

Dogs are chill, but they shed and you have to potty train.

Eeeww.

No, thank you.

As I see it, I am going to be a crazed, workaholic old cat lady, minus the cats.

And I'm ok with that.

I like my life.

I don't need men, animals, or little brats to complete me.

As long as I have books and friends,

I'll be just fine.

Let's take this one step at a time.

Small steps.
One foot after another.
Change is slow.
Change is good.
Baby steps.

I'm honestly, truely ready to change my life.
It's gonna be a slow transition, but I'm ready to be a better me.
First up, goodbye Facebook. I'm deactivating my account on Tuesday.
I miss actually communicating with people.
I was reading Stephanie's blog when I stumbled upon another one. I can't remember the name or the link, but I remember the post.
It was about communication. Technology has made it too easy to disappear from human contact.
We text our friends to keep in touch.
We Facebook to pretend to hold on to relationships.
What happened to snail mail and phone calls?
I'm saying bye-bye to Facebook (although it may be temporary due to friends going out of state and out of country).
I'm hoping to cut back on my texting, but who knows.
Baby steps.

This summer, phase 2 begins.
I'm joining a gym, hopefully 24-hr fitness. I might try to have one or two sessions with a personal trainer to get me started, but it all depends on price.
I want to work out daily. I need to get in shape.
My goal is to walk a marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Fall 2011.
I want to have a way to release anger and stress that's healthy for me.
It will be nice to get back into a healthy daily routine, balancing school, work, and exercise.

Phase three is already in progress (yes I know, out of order) because of my current roommate. We are both trying to eat healthier. Ash makes me dinner, and it's always a healthy balanced meal. She reminds me to eat breakfast, and Gen makes me eat lunch. (Otherwise I'll forget to eat!).
I am considering signing up for CSA, but I need to talk to my next roommate about it. I am willing to pay more for organic, healthy foods. I tried eating a Twinkie awhile ago, and gagged on the greasy nastiness of it.

Phase four is also in progress, and has always been. However, I want to tweak it a bit. It's reading, and educating myself. I've always been an avid reader, dying to get my hands on new books. I have a list of books I want to read or reread this summer, along with three or four summer classes (depending on if I can get into chemistry). I am bound and determined to continue learning, possibly even teaching myself a new language. I have several languages I want to be able to speak, even if only the survival phrases.

Here's my life plan (well, for the next few months anyways.)
What about you?
Any ideas or plans to better yourself? I'd love to hear them!

That's what the chickens say...

There's nothing like a good tumble down the stairs to cheer you up.

That is, if you're me.

Crazy drama everywhere, pet peeve being exploited to the Nth degree, and stress everywhere.

Most people would rant, rave, cry, scream, write out their frustration, etc.

Not me.

My stress relief was an accident.

All I did was walk into work.

My heels hit the stairs, stuck, and down I went.

The people in the room at the bottom of the stairs heard a lovely *thump thump* "Shit! Goddamnit!" *thump thump*.

Then, suddenly, a bubble of laughter burst out of me.

Here I was, 18 years old, and I couldn't even walk down a flight of stairs.

Honestly, it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I realized how ridiculous my life had become.

I laughed at my arrogant, dramatic self, and how I had been acting.

Who cares?

Seriously. So people are annoying right now. Some may still need to grow up.

So you lost out on one life choice. You ended up with a better one!

(I seriously think the people downstairs think I'm nuts)

Now?

I can laugh it off.

Today, I got annoyed and pissed off. One look at my knees and pinkie missing chunks of skin, and I busted up again.

My new philosophy on Life?

No Matter What, Laugh.

Laughter is my cure. My love. My everything.

Life.

"We know you work all the time, so we don't want to bug you with an invitation."

um, ouch.

Have you ever been running around,
so busy all the time,
that you see the blurs of others,
 but think you are alone?

Welcome to hell week.

I'm taking nineteen credits (yikes) and working twenty plus hours a week. I can't drop all of my responsibilities and run away from my problems at the last minute. I don't have time for silly games.

I love my hectic life. Yes, I realize it sounds crazy, but I've always loved learning. I love to read, i love discovering, and if it was free, I would stay a student forever. I like to be around realistic people like me, and I won't shut up if someone doesn't like the way I think.

I made a few big changes this past month. I grew up. I'm not a grown-up entirely yet, but I'm done wasting my time. I have dreams and goals I would like to achieve, and I can't let pettiness stand in my way. I can't let others hold me back from what I want to do.

I'm not the most driven person in the world. Yes, I set goals and strive to achieve them, but I am okay with not being a 4.0 student. I know that the grades I earn are important, but the 10% difference between a B and an A is never going to effect my life. I don't stress over losing a couple of points. I work hard, and I know I deserve whatever grade I recieve.

I've been dealing with a few issues, but I'm letting go of them right....now. Done. I don't have the time to worry about little things, and I can't handle drama. I won't. So, they're forgotten. I've moved on.

School? I love it. I'm the nerd who loves to learn. I like attending class every day, and I don't know what to do without a scheduled day.

AS for this blog?

I don't care if anyone reads it. (Thanks for the support, Mom). I don't need people to comment, and I don't feel like anyone to care too terribly much about what happens on a daily basis in my life. I write this simply because I'm better at typing than I am at handwriting, and it doesn't clog up memory space on my computer.

I love my life. Don't change that.

Here's to you, Aunt Jackie.

My aunt, Jackie Pignone, was one of the physically smallest people I've ever know.  She was short, ridiculously skinny, and scrawny. True to the family form, she made up for lack of size with immense spirit. She was always the life of the party, laughing and constantly telling stories. She was scrappy and could hold her own in any situation. She was always bubbly, vivacious, and over the top. To know her was to love her, and she made friends everywhere she went. Sure, she had her bad moments (hello, she was human!), but I mostly remember her laughter. I see her at the family reunions, holding a warm Jack and Pepsi, exaggerating her arm movements in accompaniment with her outrageous stories. She was a lover, a spritely trickster, and loved to have a good time.

Aunt Jackie passed away May 7, 2008. That was the day the sun stopped shining as brightly. Colors faded, and everything just grew dull.

In honor of her, last Thursday I took the plunge. I got a tattoo. It's my one and only, because there is no way I will ever go through the pain again. The only thing that kept me from leaping off the table and running out of the building was thinking of Jackie. She made it through so much worse pain then I could ever imagine. To distract myself, I pictured Jackie, sitting in a hammock up in heaven, laughing hysterically at the lovely faces I was making. I could see her perfectly, holding a plastic cup full of warm Pepsi and Jack.

Here's to you Aunt Jackie.

inspiration in the weirdest

i never thought i would be inspired for a deep conversation by a trip to see a Miley Cyrus movie.

Anyways.

on the way back from The Last Song, my friends and I got to talking. A mutual friend of ours is taking a Morals and Social Ethics class, and the class is discussing the majorly controversial topics of creationism vs. evolution, abortion, politics, etc. The others in the car were shocked that the teacher would be encouraging discussions on these topics, since it appears to them that it's inviting an all out brawl.

I, however, thought that the whole point of the class was to discuss these issues from a moral standpoint.

When walking back to our dorms from the car, I pondered a new thought. What if both evolution and creationism are the real story behind our existence? Maybe I need to research both topics a bit more, and maybe people will be offended by this post. I refuse to apologize, however. I have warned before that this is me, unedited.

The way I see it, there must have been SOMETHING that caused everything to exist. Nothing appears from thin air. As I see it, God, or someone like him (Buddah, polytheistic gods?) has to exist. I'm not sure what, but there's something out there bigger than us, in my opinion. However, stop your crazy hectic life and look around. We are surrounded by life, in the forms of trees, bushes, flowers, animals, etc. Scientists are discovering new species daily. They aren't always a new species, however. They always belong to a family of animals. They are products of cross-breeding, perhaps. They have to come into creation in some way other than appearing from thin air because some higher being says so.

After this controversy was brought up and quickly dropped, I almost opened the topic of homosexual marriage. I personally do not have a problem with same sex marriages. If someone wants to tie themselves to another human being for all eternity, so be it. It is not my place to say whether they can or they can't. They should be allowed the legal benefits of opposite sex marriages. I personally never want to get married. I have no desire to chain myself to anyone, and I want to live my life according to my rules, morals, and obligations. All I'm saying is that to each their own, and let love prosper. It comes naturally to everyone. Love, that is. We all have the innate need to love another human, to develop emotional ties. Who cares if it's the opposite sex or the same one? It's every person's choice, and everyone has their own opinion.

As for abortion. I personally have no freaking clue as to when a life begins. I don't like the idea of killing a defenseless creature, but if it is absolutely medically necessary, then abortion should be the mother's choice.

I hate politics. I refuse to think about them, discuss them, even care about them. They are stupid. It's all a bunch of old men or radical hippies tossing around big words thinking they can speak for every single person in their "domain". Uhm, sorry, politicians, but no. You cannot speak for me. I have had people trying to do that my whole life, and it ain't happenin'.

I may offend people, and this may shock a few people, but it's time I found my own voice.

There's no shuttin' me up now.

geography inspired?

I love to explore.

I can't wait for this summer, when I will be free to just get up and go.

I want to explore everything Monmouth and Independence have to offer.

I want to discover new places, create my own world.

I want to delve into new books, exploring new places within the words.

I am excited to get a library card.

I am ready to explore new options, meet new people.

I can't wait to get started.

All I want to do is explore.

Join me?

innate knowledge

Some people are born with this instinctive knowledge of what they want to do with their lives.

These lucky ones grow up to be the distinguished doctors, the lucky lawyers, the victorious veternarians.

Take my sister, for example. Ever since we were little, little girls growing up on Grandpa's "farm", she's known she wants to be a verternarian. She was always an animal person, preferring to make her Barbie play doctor to all of our stuffed animals rather than go on dates with Ken.

Now? She has graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Animal Sciences with a veternary option. She plans on applying to vet school next year (this fall I believe), and she currently is an aide in a vet clinic.

This will be her soon:

As for me?

I have never had a clue as to what I wanted to be.

Most kids say they want to be a fireman, or a cop, or some sort of hero when they are young.

Not me.

I can never make a decision. Yes, I'm attending college to recieve a Bachelor of Arts in English and possibly Spanish, but I have no idea what I'm going to do with that. I don't make plans for my life, and I don't know what the future holds.

However, here is what I do know:

I am, and will always be, a country girl.

I will always love Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

I am addicted to technology

My sisters are, and will remain, my role models

I love to read.

I am, and will always be, fiercely loyal to those who deserve it.

And as to my future?

I know this one thing:

It is my goal in life to be happy, always.