Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Call me old-fashioned

Today's topic: how old school and uncool I am :)

I may be up to date on technology and some of the new music out there, but in other ways I'm a sixty year old woman.

For example, I'll start with the number one reason I'm now considered old fashioned:
I am still a virgin.
Yeah, shocker. A twenty year old who is still a virgin simply because I want to be. I don't think sex should be taken so lightly. I won't be pressured into sleeping around because, well, I really don't see the point. There's no physical act more personal and intimate, and I think it should be saved for a specific person. Call me old school, but I'd rather wait til there's a ring on my finger and a signed piece of paper before I give it up.
No, I don't believe this for religious reasons. No, I'm not just saying so because I'm scared. I simply would rather wait and avoid possible complications like STDs or pregnancy.

Reason number 2 that I'm lame? I don't think the world should revolve around having the newest technology. Yes, I have a smart phone, an ipod shuffle, and a laptop. However, I recently deleted my Facebook account and have made a concious effort to text less because technology was taking over my life. I wish I could have the hours I spent on FB back, because, honestly, I have been missing humanity. I wouldn't have had such a great weekend without human contact. Its the human touch, the laughter ringing around me that makes my life great. I would rather meet for coffee than catch up via text.

On to numero tres: I prefer hard, ink-on-paper, heavy books in front of me to the new e-readers. Screw convinience, I like to smell the ink, the old bookstore finds.

Other ways I'm now considered lame: I don't date just to have someone. If I'm not feelin' it, it ain't gonna happen. I'm comfortable being alone. Yes, I like all the benefits of a relationship, but I don't want one that I'm not emotionally invested in. I prefer to actually like the guy, not string him on as a plaything until I'm bored. 

Also, I don't feel like I need to dress a certain way. I prefer my jeans, sweatshirts, and flats. Today, I saw a) a girl wearing a men's button-down shirt over spandex shorts (nothing left to the imagination I promise), b) leggings as pants (ew) and c) a plethora of skirts the size of band aids. Mind you, I live in Oregon, and today's high was a whopping 55 degrees. Jiminey crickets, ladies, cover up! I felt sorry for y'all, freezing your lady parts just to look "attractive". Trust me, blue is never attractive unless you live in Pandora.

That reminds me. Apparently my country side comes out a bit. And by a bit I mean a lot. Tack that on to the list of lame qualities I have, and you get a backwoods 70 year old grandma.

Funny thing is, though, I honestly don't care. I actually enjoy having self respect. Now, let me clear this up - I don't care if you do any of the above that I don't. To each their own. If you like sleeping around, and you feel good about it, then do it. If you like freezing your parts off feel free. Just know that a) I will never join you and b) I actually pity your frozen parts.

I'm learning to embrace me as myself. All of me. Lame, awesome, every little thing. Try it!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Partyin', partyin'

Sorry, couldn't resist a little Rebecca Black for y'all.

Nothing like a good weekend, right? I spent the weekend with Tayleranne, watching footloose, volleyball games, and remember what makes a good friend. I love having a laidback, chill weekend full of laughter and reconnecting.

This weekend was just what I needed. I've been so down and out lately that I was missing out. With stress piling up, I couldn't pull my head outta my worries to notice the leaves changing. With insult being added to injury, I let someone make me feel insecure and unhappy instead of letting their issues slide off my back.

So here's to weekend therapy. Here's to reconnecting with life,  being able to laugh at the ridiculous, and remembering to let go. Thank you, Tay, for helping me!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I miss...

I miss a lot of things today.
I miss being crazy busy spring term.
I miss english classes, with people who understood me.
I miss being at home, riding my Baby girl. (She's a mule, for those of you who don't know)
I miss when my biggest concern was which color crayon I wanted.
I miss living within half an hour of all my friends back home.

I miss a lot of things today. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could go back 5 years and keep myself from losing a great guy. I wish I could go back two years and keep my cool about a ridiculous situation that resulted in the loss of two friends.

But, while I was miserable thinking about how much I miss the past, an old friend reminded me that the past is closed, and we can just hope for the best for the future. It's weird to call her an old friend since I've only known her for two years, but it feels like I've known her forever.

Anyways, it was during a coffee date with her today. She was talking about a guy she was hoping to be with, and talking about my situation with her made me realize that I'm moping over nothing.

Here's the deal. I've never really been in a situation like this. The emotional rollercoaster drained me. The trying to sort out my feelings, being set aside to figure out issues, and now the complete turnaround has me spinning. I am not good with emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve when I am not hiding from everything. Usually, one look and you can know instantly what mood I'm in. But my best defense mechanism is to just go numb.

I know, I know. It's bad to bottle stuff up, and trust me, it doesn't take me long to explode again. Stupid things like my hair not cooperating can make me bust out in angry tears.  But I survived last year by going numb. Cutting out any sort of romantic interests kept my spirits up and kept me powering through. If I keep myself busy as can be, I can't stop and deal with emotions - they work themselves out.

So essentially, my point is that now I am going to be going numb for awhile. Maybe later I can handle dealing with the crazy emotions I keep rolling through, but right now I'm battering down the hatch and buckling down on school work. I am just gonna wish everyone all the happiness I can muster sharing, and then go into turtle mode to protect myself. Who says you need to date in college? Who says you need to care?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I hate to do this, but apparently my last post needs a little clarifying so that certain people don't get upset.

A) I am not mad at anyone. I am mad at my situation.
B) I did not intend that post to be passive aggressive. I was just expressing how I feel since, well, this is america and there's a nice thing called freedom of speech.
C) I am happy for the other two people mentioned. Honestly. I'm glad they are finding happiness together.
D) I don't want him now that he's with her. I honestly am just sad and a little surprised at the quick turnaround. It honestly seems like it doesn't take much to get over me and that smarts a little, especially since my ego already feels like it went 8 rounds with Muhammed Ali and came out losing.
E) I just wish I didn't have to see their happiness while I'm upset. I don't want to end up resenting them.

I am also a little frustrated that my feelings were misconstrued. But I'm gonna keep being myself. Sorry I even had to write this, especially for those of you who got it the first time around. I don't like repeating myself.


My life is in a mumphy stage. There isn't much going for me right now, and it's just an all around less than great time.

Which is weird. Usually, I love fall. I get to get back to doing what I do best - going to school! If I could live my life as a perpetual scholar, I'd be as happy as a clam (never really understood that expression, but oh well).

However, it's a lot of less than fun situations popping up all at once. I was in a sort of emotional relationship - emotional roller coaster, and we never really saw each other - for six months, give or take. Not only did I just end it, but less than a week after I clarified that we're really better off as friends, he's "facebook officially dating" one of my friends. Yes, I gave them my blessing, but awkwardly accidentally following them home across campus just reminded me that I gave up on a chance for happiness, although talking about it with her made me realize it never would have worked with him & I. It was purely intellectual with us, but with them they bond on all levels. It just kinda feels like a sucker punch, seeing that a few hours with her was all that he needed to get over me. I know I'm dramatizing it, but seeing them happy reminded me of how unhappy I am, and how unhappy I've been for a really, really long time. I can't hold it against them. In fact, I'm happy for them. but I'm miserable.

That is my main problem today, but it's added onto the stress that gramma has cancer (easily curable, but still. The c word is not fun.) as well as that this term is the most stressful of my college career, which is weird because it's the lightest load I've had yet.

Mumphy mumphy mumphy. aksbvalkjsbdvaklj. yeah, i'm miserable.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Because I Promised....

Last night, Sam, Hannah, and Tayleranne pointed out that I haven't posted in awhile.... so sorry!

Well, there's been a lot going down with me lately. Spending more time with family due to my grandma's cancer diagnosis (b-cell lymphoma, looks like it could be an easy "fix"), scrambling to get back in school mode, and oh yeah.... it's cold season.

Yep, that's right. Yours truly got taken down with the sniffles and a cough. Thank you, stress, for weakening my immune system. Nothing like having to miss class in the middle of week two to really throw you off your game. Blech.

However, health issues aside, life has been....well, life. No other way to put it. And this is why I haven't been blogging. I don't really have much to say anymore. Nothing interesting anyways. Nothing public, at least. There's a lot I could say to a lot of people, but some things are better left unsaid.

So maybe I'll be posting more, maybe not. We'll ask my brain when it comes back from where ever I seem to have left it....