What I Know Now

Here is what I have learned so far: I know absolutely nothing about Celiac's disease.
I've got books I can't bring myself to read,  and an incredibly supportive husband and family. I am still reeling, and it's been almost 2 months since I first heard!
I have the biopsies to prove it: I have Celiac disease. A very simplified explanation is that I am allergic to gluten and it causes intestinal damage Do you know how many food items have gluten in them? You would be surprised.
It's not just wheat based items, like bread or pasta. Gluten is a tricky little bastard that hides all over. It's in soy sauce, ketchup - heck, I've had to replace my makeup, my shampoo, even my lotion! The argument about topical applications is still going, but I figure I would rather be safe than sorry.
I promise I'll be back with something else soon!  It won't be all Celiac's here, but that's my current major battle.

Roller Coastin'

I've missed this space.
I have had a rough time handling change lately, so I've been hiding from myself. From here, where I've bared my soul time and time again. I thought I had nothing to say - but I did. I just didn't know what.
There's been a lot going on. My husband and I both started new jobs in December, then we moved to a new place (same town, bigger rental) in April. I handled both of those as usual, I thought.
The biggest change happened a couple of weeks ago. I had a bad day at work, and my stomach started to ache. It just kept getting worse and worse,  which made my anxiety kick in.
A little background for you: I was diagnosed with GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) my senior year of high school . I've been on omeprazole (Prilosec) ever since, but have had years of stomach pains.  I fired my primary care physician a few months ago and switched to a new provider. She immediately referred me to a gastroenterologist, and I was put on a long wait list. I was also referred for a food allergy test
So a couple of Saturdays ago, I hosted an Arbonne party. I was so worried over who was coming, and the food, that I didn't eat most of the day. Sunday, I was supposed to go to a baby shower. I had to cancel last minute - I hadn't slept, and my stomach was rolling.
I barely choked down some yogurt and strawberries and went to see my husband at his work. I couldn't stop shaking and crying - I was in a full blown anxiety attack. I ended up going to the local ER to get help in the form of a GI cocktail (a liquid that numbs the GI tract and should give relief) and a Xanax.
Monday I woke up with my stomach still screaming.  I went to the on-call doctor at my primary care, and she added another antacid and a stomach coating medication to my pills.
That night, I got a notification on my electronic chart system. A couple weeks earlier, my doctor had ran a Celiac panel on me on a hunch. My numbers were off the chart! One of the test results said normal level was supposed to be less than or equal to 19.9. Mine? 127.
So for the past 2-3 weeks, I have been eating gluten-free. I saw a gastroenterologist, who told me my numbers were some of the highest she has ever seen. My primary care told me she has never seen results like mine. Nobody has officially said what this means - there's gluten intolerance and there's an actual allergy. I don't know where I rank.
I have my food allergy test tomorrow, thanks to my suddenly having reactions to banana and avocado. (yes, no more avocados. My heart is broken too.) Wish me luck!
I've been having a rough time with all of this. Do you have any idea how much food has gluten in it? Quite a bit! I'm having a very hard time emotionally. I feel betrayed by my body, and normally I can comfort myself with food. But the very foods I turn to for comfort can harm me.
It's been an eye opener, as well as heartbreaking. But now I am feeling little pain in my stomach for the first time that I can remember. I have so much to learn, and I will be sharing my journey here.
Let's get to learning!
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Scars

We all have them.

Some you can see, some we keep hidden inside. 

There are ads upon ads for scar removal creams, "removing the blemish."

Here's my question. Why hide them?

I love my physical scars. Half of them I don't even know how I got them.

I have one on my forehead that I've had as long as I can remember. Nobody knows how I got it, it's just always been there. I love that little mystery just above my right eyebrow. It makes it easy to show my hairstylist where my hair naturally parts. It adds a little extra something to my rather plain features. 

I have two very small white scars under my bottom lip. It appears as though I bit myself extremely hard - again, nobody remembers for sure. Can you blame them? I was the third child, and all three of us played rough - just ask my oldest sister about the scars on her arms from my fingernails. You probably wouldn't notice the scars when you talk to me, unless you pay incredibly close attention. 

I have many, many physical scars from years of sports, as well as just plain being a klutz. All of those remind me that I can be athletic, that I have been fit and can get there again. They motivate me to get moving.

My emotional scars?

Well, I don't really keep those hidden either. They can't stay hidden - they have shaped the woman I am today. They are a part of who I am. All of my quirks come from those "secrets." I believe in talking about anything and everything, as long as an honest dialogue stays open.

Some scars have a more obvious effect than others. For example, I didn't have many friends growing up. My parents are divorced. When you are sent to your mom's house in another town every weekend and summer, nobody invites you to do anything because you always have to say no. This has lead to my love of reading. Book characters have been the best friends I could ask for, leading me on wild adventures all over the world from the comfort of my own home.

This lack of friends has also lead to me making an effort to be overly social in college, leading to a wide range of friendships and all types of people in my life. The hardest part was learning to cultivate only a few solid friendships. I've learned that there are those special few that really deserve my time and energy, whereas there are others that can come and go, but I shouldn't put too much of myself into it. I've also got the scars of the toxic relationships guiding me. I've learned the hard way that not every relationship is meant to last, and some are much better off being avoided if at all possible.

Scars make us who we are. We can try to deny them, hide them with creams and crafted social media posts. However, how can we deny the lasting effects? Creams can only lessen the coloring, not undo the lesion entirely. Facebook and Instagram can fake an appearance of perfection, but how can you hide from reality on a daily basis? Eventually, the scars reveal themselves, so why not embrace them?

Learn from them.

Love them.

They are, after all, a part of the best person you could ever know and love - yourself.

Plan, Plan, Plan

My eyes are burning just a little while I write this, but that may be from all the squinting.
My computer has hit a few bumps, so Jacop hooked my laptop to the living room TV and bought a wireless mouse and keyboard. It makes for excellent computer screen..... when I have my glasses on, which I currently do not, so bear with me!
2015 seems to be the year for big plans. The blog world is blowing up with goals and plans/resolutions galore!
I'll admit, I have my list of goals to accomplish this year, (and yes, it's categorized and everything) but..

I'm not going to share them here. I know myself way too well to make these grand schemes. and I almost never follow through  (i.e.the many, many times  i promised myself I would make time to visit this little corner) So, unless I actually accomplish a goal, I'm hoarding them to myself (well, myself, Jacop, and Becca...)
I am always curious about other goals, and I steal inspiration wherever I can, so please feel free to comment and tell me your goals!

Goodbye 2014.

So 2014 was by far the year of the emotions...
I made stronger connections with some wonderful friends (looking at you, Becca!) and lost touch with some that just weren't worth the energy any more.
I took a new position that ended up making me miserable, stressed, and anxious all the time, and then accepted a new job at an entirely different company. The new job? Best move I have ever made in my career thus far.
My family got hit hard with the loss of an aunt and the news of childhood cancer. We also spent more time together, laughing over stories of the past and generally enjoying each other's company.
Jacop and I both got new tattoos. Mine is a reminder to fight through the struggles, his is a tribute to his family. 
But the biggest highlight of 2014?
Marrying my best friend.
I honestly can't remember much about the wedding,  other than my vows getting interrupted by my bridesmaids trying to get a bee out of my dress, but I know it was a wonderful day full of love. Jacop and I got to celebrate our new chapter in front of our family and friends, and while it was a tiny bit overwhelming, I don't think I would have changed much of that day..

Overall, 2014 was one of the most stressful, unhealthy, difficult years of my life.
It was also one of the most wonderful and love filled.
It's a memorable year, that is for sure.