Tuesday, July 20, 2010
These past three days, my brain has been on overload, running nonstop. If it was about school stuff, I wouldn't mind so much (since I have five papers to turn in by the end of this week), but no. All I can think about is the past.
Last week, I went on a vacation with my dad's side of the family. Let's just say I remember why I love living an hour away, and I'm pretty sure that's the last family vacation we're ever going to take.
That week has got me thinking though. My relationship with my stepmother has always been rocky, as we don't see eye to eye on a wide variety of things. We have constantly had battles, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to get better. We have done the silent treatment, the screaming, the all out war. We just don't get along. I try, for my dad, because i know she makes him happy, but there's not a whole lot that can be done. We are tw very different people, and it is very difficult to get along for more than maybe a day.
Other things from my past have been haunting me - stupid boys. Lately I've been stuck thinking about two exes of mine, and how things ended. For most of the past school year, I've been going back and forth with one of them, flirting and coming close to getting back together, then one of us backs off. We were practically together towards the end of the year, then he stopped talking to me out of nowhere. I haven't heard from him in four months, and I have no idea what happened. It kills me, but I won't be the first to make contact. The other one I've been thinking about was a blip during my senior year of high school. Living an hour apart, we basically had our relationship through the internet and phone calls, and it only lasted 3 weeks. It's the way that it ended that drives me nuts. I basically pushed him to break up with me because he never waned to hang out or see me. He was a huge pansy, never taking command and being a man. After we broke up, he refused to have anything to do wih me, completely ignoring me and a friend when we went to his school on class business. He was pretty immature, and by the time we graduated three months later, he was back with his ex. Who, by the way, decided that her and I were going to be good friends, then suddenly changed her mind and refuses to speak to or acknowledge me. A mutual friend said the ex/current girlfriend was jealous of me, and would break up with pansyboy if he acknowledged me. Insecure, much?
But, no matter how many flaws i can point out or how much I know it's better for them to be in the past, I can't get theses two out of my head. I'm not dying to get back together with them, at all, but I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently. It's killing me to not know what happened, why I'm apparently either not good enough, or just unwanted. I'll be the first to admit that I am highly insecure, and it kills me that someone thinks I'm not good enough, with no good explanation behind it.
sorry for the rambling rant, and patheticness of this post. anyone else constantly stuck in the past?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
You know how they say that after high school, college is a blast because you get to take whatever classes you want and you get to set your own schedule?
Lies. My life is ruled by classes only being offered at certain times, only offered once in a blue moon, and I can only take classes that pertain to my degree or it's a waste of credits.
Take this fall term. I really, really wanted to take American Sign Language. Languages are my passion, as I am majoring in both English and Spanish, and my grandma used to teach me sign language as a little girl. ASL is so interesting, and I would love to become fluent in it.
HOWEVER. My current minor, Latin American Studies, has a very select number of classes required for it, and they are not offered every term, or even every year. I have to take them as soon as they become available. So, this fall, when I noticed that TWO classes required are being offered, I jumped at the chance. History 435 and Sociology 352, check. Added onto the classes necessary for my major, I'm taking 19 credits. The maximum is 18, which means I'll have to pay extra tuition.
So, no room for "fun" classes like ASL, or French, or Latin, or any of the other languages I want to learn. I can't even take a 2 credit Phys Ed class. SUCKY.
This summer, I'm taking 2 more classes for Latin American Studies, and one class that is required for a Bachelor of Arts - oh yeah, after I take Honors Biology fall term of my junior year, I'm done with my basic requirements. To quote my good friend Bailey, "Bamsies." Hopefully, I'll be -this- much closer to being finished with my minor too - I only need 12 more credits after fall term if I pass all of my classes, which will only be history classes with my minor advisor, who's pretty awesome.
My majors, however, are going to be a pain in the bahookie. I can't start taking classes for my Spanish major other than the basic language class until my junior year, and I have several (and I mean SEVERAL) credits to take to finish the degree. English will be fairly easy to finish before then I hope, with summer terms and going over 18 credits every term.
Well, time to hit the homework again. If you feel the urge to share about your school experiences, please do, comments are ALWAYS welcome!
Monday, July 5, 2010
I was going to be early, breeze up to Target, and meet my sister to begin our adult day.
I was going to march into Target, pick up the gorgeous bookshelf I had my heart set on, pick out a new swimsuit that miraculously hid my body flaws, grab a cheap, yet delicious, lunch, and breeze on home.
GoogleMaps took me on a crazy, unnecessarily windy route, when I was running on a quarter of a tank of gas. I was ten minutes late to meet my sister, and I was a wreck. My hair was supremely disagreeable, and it was one of those "throw on the first clean clothes available" days, which meant I was definitely not the most presentable.
When I finally met up with my sister, we marched into Target and headed to the furniture section.
The bookshelf I was looking for was a beautiful 5-shelf, black, classic unit, which is listed on Target website as $19.99 and only available in stores - supposed to be in stock in Albany.
The only bookshelf I found at Target cost $119.99. For three shelves. Ridiculous.
So we picked up a "fifteen cube storage unit", not realizing the supremely tiny proportions. It now holds my shoes, since it would never fit even a single book. Thirty bucks, in a tiny 2x1.5 foot piece of particle board. So frustrating.
To drown my sorrows, we head off to Old Navy to get me shorts and a swimsuit (my sister is a little cash-strapped, and I had a visa gift card from an aunt burning a hole in my pocket). Out of the FIFTEEN ITEMS I took into the fitting room, I took out TWO. The swimsuits were the only things that fit. at all. I discovered that I have gone up a few pants sizes, and it was awful. Luckily I got two new suits that fit me well and hide my tattoo (my dad harbors an extreme dislike for tattoos).
Then it was off to Ross. Once again, discovered I've gained too much for the cute shorts, and only walked out with a t-shirt. Same story at Maurices, only I walked out with 2 expensive pairs of shorts that were several sizes larger than I care to admit to.
Back in Target, I managed to snag a pair of sunny yellow shorts and a pair of jean capris that are super cute, and actually a little large on me - I need a belt! However, the entire day left me feeling fat, broke, and awful. I bought the stuff from Maurices and Target (clothes) on my personal debit card, and I am definitely feeling buyer's remorse. I'm seriously considering returning the clothes I bought today simply because I can't afford them right now and they make me feel fat as it is. However, I don't have the money to spend on the gas to drive back and return the clothes.
It was great to spend the day with my sister, just the two of us, not fighting. However, I nearly broke down into tears seeing how my fat thighs and waist didn't fit into any of the cute, CHEAP clothes I wanted. I hadn't realized how big I had gotten until the shame was filling the dressing room. I was mortified, failing to fit into over 30 pairs of shorts in front of my sister. I can't seem to get my bad habits under control, and I spend and I eat way more than I'm able to afford. I need to learn self control. I need to grow up.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
“The only way to get better is to make mistakes.”
Best life advice ever, given by a judge on So You Think You Can Dance.
We can’t grow unless we let ourselves acknowledge the fact that we need to change. We have to consciously make efforts to change ourselves, preferably for the better. We have to know where we need to work, and let ourselves grow. As Mia Michaels said, we need to make mistakes. We have to open up to being flawed and making huge fools out of ourselves. Making mistakes is tough, but they are a necessary factor in life and sometimes can be the most fun part of things.
I make mistakes almost daily. I try to never make the same mistake twice, but some of my mistakes have been the best moments of my life. I have become a stronger, better person because of my past, and I can’t wait to see what my future brings to me. I love learning, so I try to grasp every opportunity I can. I sometimes have to throw the rule book out the window and feel my way through life, but that’s when I learn the most. Stepping out of our comfortable, perfect daily scheduled lives and doing the things that scare us is the way to go.
I’m scared outta my mind, but I’m ready to leap into the unknown. Care to join me?
My favorite character is by far Ginnifer Goodwin. She learns that most women are the rule, not the exception. Now, for her, it applies to her love life. I looked at that saying from a different perspective.
However, I like to think of myself as the exception, not the rule.
For example: How many 19-year-olds do you know that actually love going to school and can't wait for vacations to end?? I'm the only one I know. If it was free, I would be a student as a career. I love learning. Finding out new little factoids and truths is exhilarating. Most 19 year olds like vacations, having time away from homework and tests. I crave classes, doing nothing but learning.
Example #2: Although I am not passionate about my job, I love going to work. I'm not doing my dream job by a long shot, and this may not be a career, but I love coming into work and wish I could come in for more hours. I like being a responsible adult who is held accountable for providing a service. I love my coworkers, and I like my desk. I know what I'm doing, and I'm getting fairly good at it. I don't know a lot of people who wish they could work more just for the sake of working - I'd be willing to come in and volunteer to do my job! That's how much I like it here.
Example #3: I would rather read than go out and see a movie. The books are always infinitely better, so why not pay $10 for a paperback that I can reread for centuries instead of spending $20 on a DVD that will be outdated in the next decade? Why bother wasting money on technology when books never go out of style?
As for me being the rule, I'm exactly like Ginnifer's character when it comes to our love lives. I overanalyze, overexpect, and eventually drive guys away. But I'm learning that I won't give the guys what they want, so they aren't worth my time. I don't need a man to be happy (not saying it wouldn't be nice) but considering I don't believe in marriage, what's the point in stressing over a relationship? I've got school to worry about, and that's plenty of stressing for me.
But hey, life's no fun if you're just one of the crowd.