dear brain.

Please, shut up.

These past three days, my brain has been on overload, running nonstop. If it was about school stuff, I wouldn't mind so much (since I have five papers to turn in by the end of this week), but no. All I can think about is the past.

Last week, I went on a vacation with my dad's side of the family. Let's just say I remember why I love living an hour away, and I'm pretty sure that's the last family vacation we're ever going to take.

That week has got me thinking though. My relationship with my stepmother has always been rocky, as we don't see eye to eye on a wide variety of things. We have constantly had battles, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to get better. We have done the silent treatment, the screaming, the all out war. We just don't get along. I try, for my dad, because i know she makes him happy, but there's not a whole lot that can be done. We are tw very different people, and it is very difficult to get along for more than maybe a day.

Other things from my past have been haunting me - stupid boys. Lately I've been stuck thinking about two exes of mine, and how things ended. For most of the past school year, I've been going back and forth with one of them, flirting and coming close to getting back together, then one of us backs off. We were practically together towards the end of the year, then he stopped talking to me out of nowhere. I haven't heard from him in four months, and I have no idea what happened. It kills me, but I won't be the first to make contact. The other one I've been thinking about was a blip during my senior year of high school. Living an hour apart, we basically had our relationship through the internet and phone calls, and it only lasted 3 weeks. It's the way that it ended that drives me nuts. I basically pushed him to break up with me because he never waned to hang out or see me. He was a huge pansy, never taking command and being a man. After we broke up, he refused to have anything to do wih me, completely ignoring me and a friend when we went to his school on class business. He was pretty immature, and by the time we graduated three months later, he was back with his ex. Who, by the way, decided that her and I were going to be good friends, then suddenly changed her mind and refuses to speak to or acknowledge me. A mutual friend said the ex/current girlfriend was jealous of me, and would break up with pansyboy if he acknowledged me. Insecure, much?

But, no matter how many flaws i can point out or how much I know it's better for them to be in the past, I can't get theses two out of my head. I'm not dying to get back together with them, at all, but I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently. It's killing me to not know what happened, why I'm apparently either not good enough, or just unwanted. I'll be the first to admit that I am highly insecure, and it kills me that someone thinks I'm not good enough, with no good explanation behind it.

sorry for the rambling rant, and patheticness of this post. anyone else constantly stuck in the past?