Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'm not movin'

*yes, this post was inspired by the song playing overhead at work*

I'm not movin'. I'm standing still, watching other lives fly forward, making major changes and enjoying their time in this world.

This entire summer, I thought I would finally get around to making something out of my life. I ended up just working and watching TV after my summer classes ended. I didn't have the resources to do something fun like learning a new language, and although I took a couple of trips, my travelling bug just wasn't satisfied. I'm restless, bored with my humdrum inability to DO anything. I function on a day to day basis, but I am incredibly bored. I've been in school since I was two years old, and I can't imagine doing anything else. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do after college. I don't know of any career that is just amazingly exciting to me. I can't see myself happy with a desk job, pushing papers all day long, but I also don't see myself doing anything outdoorsy or cool. I would love to work in the medical field, but I HATE Chemistry and Biology. I love Anatomy and Physiology, but I can't stand the thought of chem labs and bio tests. I absolutely love English, and all languages as a whole, but I'm not creative enough to be a writer or adaptive to languages enough to be a linguist. I don't want to do any type of social work, I hate politics, and I have never dreamed of going into space or fighting fires.

I sit, comfortable yet anxious, just waiting for a good knock on my senses. The world is screaming "you can't just wait for dreams to come true; you have to make it happen yourself!" However, I don't have any dreams. I've never had a dream or a goal for when I was a grown-up, and now I'm screwed. I don't know what I want, or that I even want anything at all. I've always taken a passive approach, avoiding thoughts of the future because it's too scary. I have no idea what I'm good at. I don't have an outstanding talent for anything.

So, I sit. And wait. And hope that maybe, someday, I can have a dream of my own

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