I don't know if I'm capable of being a true friend.
That thought scares me, yet I keep thinking it, over and over again.
Why have I never been so close to anyone that our bond could be deemed "unshakeable"? I've never lasted more than six months without picking a fight, or causing massive tension. I'm not a good friend. I try my hardest to be, but I can't stop myself from ruining it every single time. Someone either gets too close to me, or I push an issue a little too far. Instead of fixing things, I hightail it the other direction. I run and hide. I HATE confrontation. The idea of it makes my stomach curl into knots and my head start spinning. Its my biggest phobia.
This applies to my love life as well. My longest romantic relationship has been 3 and 1/2 months. I run the other direction when someone show's signs of getting too close, or in the case of my first relationship, I truly start to fall for the guy. I don't know how many times I've ruined a good thing with my insecurites and lack of trust.
I'm a coward. Things just have to get the slightest bit hinky, and I'm outta there like a bullet outta a gun. I look for excuses to run and never look back. It's a lonely life, but its the life I lead.
Consider this my apology to both past and future bonds I forge. I'm gonna try to fight it, but I'm not a strong person. I'm sorry.
Hey now. You can't be sorry for your nature. I know it's irritating as hell, when all you do is push people away, but it's what happens. Give it time, you learn not to push you just have to know that fear is what makes relationships interesting. Don't give up hope have a little faith.
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