lonely

that's a funny word.

it carries a different meaning for different people.

sure, i'm lonely.

but then again, i've been lonely my whole life.

when you grow up as the youngest of three girls, you never have the bond that the older two sisters have. you don't have an instant best friend. instead, you bear the brunt of teasing, and they know how to push your buttons just well enough to make your temper flare and get you in trouble. we grew up playing with our distant cousins, and i was still the youngest. my middle sister and our youngest cousin are the same age, and are best friends until the end. my oldest sister has had the same best friend since kindergarten.

me?

i don't have that one best friend. i don't have that one person i trust with every little detail of my life.

then school didn't help. i was the kid who just went home after school and spent weekends being shuttled between parents' houses. i didn't get invited to parties. i didn't get invited to shari's after football games. i didn't get invited to anything. i went to the mall and movies once in a blue moon with the few people who bothered to call me a friend. summers were spent at my mom's house, with no invites to hang out at the lake or to hang out at all. i spent summers with my nose buried in book after book, reading away to ignore the world.

now that i'm out of my parents' houses and on my own, i see the same pattern. i'm not invited on weekends home or spring break trips. some people don't invite me because they know i work. however, i think i'm not invited because i'm forgotten about. it's not hard to forget me. i have a face that blends into the crowd. i'm not outstandingly funny or smart or any particular attribute.

the only things that are unique are my height, my determination to complete a double degree, and the fact that i am proud of where i'm from. those aren't friendship qualities.

here's the thing though.

I'm okay with being lonely.

i have been my whole life. boyfriend or no, i've always been alone. i hate that i'm forgettable, but i really don't care that nobody has time for me. i've gotten along just fine for nearly twenty years with no social life, no best friend, and no significant other of any type. sure, i'm close to a few people. they are close enough to earn the title "friend" instead of "acquaintance".

so "lonely" doesn't scare me. i have my books. i have my family. i have people i can keep in touch with. i'm okay spending my life alone. it's not scary. it's not sad. it just is.