Overwhelmed

Well, I know I promised a schedule and a weekly series regarding my wedding.
I sincerely apologize for that.
So here's the deal. I will stop making promises I can't keep. I will work much harder on blogging on a regular now that my life has calmed down.
Oh yeah, life happened! So, I have some more news. I now cohabitate with a boy!
Jacop and I decided to move in together in order to save money for the wedding.  So, it's back to the small town of Monmouth for me! Sure, it's a bit of a commute, but at least I finally come home to someone.
I get to build a life, a home with my best friend. Yes, that means adjustment and adapting, but it's worth every change. 
Speaking of, I need to go switch the laundry and run the dishwasher, so I'll be back soon (and this time I mean it!)

A little ditty about me and my man...

   So, I promised a little relationship update here on BB. 

   For those of you who are new here, Jacop and I have been dating since Halloween last year. We had met six months earlier and were just not ready to date yet. 

   Since Halloween, he has become my best friend. He is the person I want to run to when something happens, the one I call every day to talk about nothing with, my venting release. He makes me laugh and makes me smile more than anyone I have ever met.

Yes, we do have our problems. I'm not going to pretend and say we are perfect. We've had to work hard and we plan to keep working on us. 

Okay, I promise this isn't a babbling gushing post about how fantastic my relationship is. This is a post to share some news!

On July 27, 2013, Jacop asked me to marry him.

I said yes.

YAY!

Now, I have some pictures to illustrate how he pulled it off:

First of all, he knew it meant the world to me that he ask my dad and stepdad for permission, so the guy spent SIX HOURS at my dad's house the night before. He told me he was "fixing my dad's computer." Needless to say my dad is still having computer problems.....

So, a few days beforehand, Jacop suggested we go to visit my mom for a bit in between a bachelorette party and a bridal shower (for those of you who don't know, I attended 7 out of 8 weddings I was invited to this summer).

 My mom has a homemade Scrabble board in her backyard, complete with large hand painted wood tiles. When we got to her house, she immediately whisked me off to get some stuff at the store, giving Jacop time to talk to my stepdad without me knowing. While we were out and about, she told me that  my parents were playing Scrabble and since they play it so often, they decided to add their own rule that it was romantic words only. She told me my stepdad was taking way too long, so she wanted to Jacop and I to take over and play for awhile. My stepdad was going to take pictures of the flowers in the yard for my mom to hang up.

So here is how the board was set up from Jacop's point of view:

My mom had it all set up so he could play the word "Marry" off of "love" to make "Marry Me". 

Now this is where I explain how much of a dork I am.  Jacop played, and all I thought was "nice! 14 points!" and proceeded to try to make my next romantic word. Everyone was staring at me, and my stepdad was a little exasperated with me. "Uh, aren't you going to answer him??" "I'm trying to find my word, but Mom left me a terrible hand!"

To be fair, all I got were vowels and one 's'.

Then, Jacop played it pretty smooth and waved off my ridiculous attempts by stating he had another move. Then, this happened:

(Please ignore the hair and the awful nails. Like I said, it was the morning after a bachelorette party!)

So after I nodded my head yes (words just weren't coming out!) my mom and stepdad decided to take us to a little covered bridge in a park by their house and do a mini photo shoot:

And that's how I went from being the girl who never wanted to get married to the girl marrying her best friend next August!

What? A post??

Psssst.
I'm alive, I swear!!
Sorry, dear readers (if I have any left...),  life kind of got in the way of blogging!
Here's a short preview of what is to come on good ol' BB:
Relationship update (well, for those who don't already know the news!) (hopefully) a new series regarding said news Potentially a schedule to get me back in this blogging business?
Fingers crossed I actually stick with it this time...

What's next?

The most irritating question for a graduate to hear.

The answer? I have no freaking clue.

For the past three years, my answer would have been to work off debt, ho to grad school for publishing, then work as an editor for a publishing company.

The unthinkable happened. I was offered a trial run as an editor for a very small, independent publishing company. My dream job, straight out of college?? I even asked Jacop to pinch me, because I though I was dreaming.

As I started this trial run, however, I kept getting more and more anxiety, as well as more and more negative about the opportunity. After several conversations with my parents, my coworkers, and Jacop, I came to realize the truth - editing books is not my dream career. I would rather have endless root canals. I held on to the dream of editing because my sister once suggested I might be good at it.

So, this is my conundrum. I have a burning desire to work hard for my dream, to be passionate about my career - but I don't have a dream to work for. I love books, and reading, but I'm afraid doing it for a living will kill that love.

My mom told me that I need to sit down and really think hard about what I want to do for the rest of my life. Honestly, I don't have a single idea. I know I want to enjoy going to work everyday, to be excited about the job, but I don't know if any career will be this way for me.

On one hand, I'm only 22. I should be carefree, living life to the fullest. On the other hand, these are my prime years. I should focus on my career and worry about life later. In a world that wants women to have powerful careers, be workhorses, but still have these amazing adventures, a family, and go good in the world through volunteer work, it is very, very easy to fall down in this "I'm not good enough but I don't know how to make it better" funk.

It's been awhile since I've posted, but this is where I've been - battling between living life to the fullest and fulfilling my potential to live up to great expectations. Bear with me, please!

(Also, any career counseling tips or life advice is always greatly appreciated)

Life Hangover

Whoopsie.
It's been a very long time since I've posted, hasn't it?
Sorry, dear readers! (If any of you are still reading, imagine a GIANT high five heading your way.)
I'm kind of stuck in a life hangover, which results in a silent blog.
Lately it has been wedding, thesis, wedding, thesis, wedding, thesis nonstop.
And no, I am not referring to my own wedding (HA. that's gonna be awhile!)
Thanks to stress and no time to relax,
I've been feeling under the weather and incapable of putting words on the screen.
However, here's some news: next Wednesday, June 5th, I present my findings for my thesis. Ten days later, Saturday June 10th, I walk across a stage, get handed an empty diploma holder, and celebrate with family and friends, all while wearing a tent.
That's right! I'm GRADUATING!!!
Until then, however, my life has been planned to the very last minute, so don't expect regular posts for awhile.
Hopefully, the madness will end soon!

Get fit, get happy... get going!

Lately, life has gotten busy. I started a new job, which has been amazing and exhausting.
I now work at the same medical facility, but as a full time receptionist in a new department.
I love it.  The department is always busy, which makes the day go by very quickly. It helps that the people I work with are all friends. They work well together,  and every single person is pleasant to be around.
This job is mentally exhausting, and hectic. It is just what I needed. I was growing bored and restless, two emotions that sink my spirits and lead to many, many dark days.
I've only been there for a week and two days, but I am pretty sure this is going to be a great fit for me. I already am inspired to get my thesis done and over with, as well as getting in shape.
Annnnnnnd now for the title of this post. My best friend of almost 10 years is working on becoming a certified personal trainer. This lucky duck is her first client of sorts! Starting in a couple weeks (she has to finish winter term first), she's gonna help me work out a plan to get in shape, taking into consideration my weaknesses. I've already downloaded an app that tracks my eating habits, so hopefully I can get healthy.
My goal is to get healthy so I can be happy. Any tips?

Love, love, love

Okay, so my post this morning was a little rant-y.
I am not gonna lie, today was a great day! The best way I could think of to celebrate my favorite state's birthday.
After sleeping in (always a treat), J took me to brunch at a delicious little cafe by the waterfront. I am a terrible blogger, so I totally forgot to take a picture.... whoops!
After brunch, we ran around town getting gifts to spoil his parents (What can I say? I love to spoil people!) and just spent the afternoon enjoying each other's company. We even did a little dream car shopping - he found a car he's very, very interested in!
It was a beautiful, sunny, semi-warm day for Oregon, which was incredible!   Now, for the only cheesy romantic thing we did all day, I actually remembered to take a couple of couple-y pictures:

both taken by the waterfront park.

What can I say?

I love this kid!

Love and other schtuff

Ah, Valentine's Day. Our love/hate relationship continues.
I'll admit, this is going to be a different holiday for me. It's the first time I'll be actually in a serious relationship. (I've only had one other Valentine's Day with a boyfriend, and it was high school - We had been dating 2 weeks)
So here's a little tidbit about me - I tend to spoil people.  I love spending too much money on anyone except myself. I love giving gifts. (My bank account kinda hates it...)
Since this is J. and I's first Valentine's Day together, I kinda went a little overboard...
Originally, my plan was to follow the 4 gifts rule: 1. Something he wants 2. Something he needs 3. Something he wears 4. Something he reads.
Technically, I followed this rule..... I just didn't keep it to one thing in each category. Instead it ended up like this:
1. 3 movies: Superbad, Men In Black 1, and Men In Black 2. 2. A brand new wall clock (his current one starts and stops randomly) 3. These gloves (he longboards, and has been drooling over these...) 4. Bloody Sundays and When Pride Still Mattered: Lombardi
So I stuck to the rules as far as what to get... just not number wise!
So why do I have a love/hate relationship with this day?
Well, I love it because it's another occasion to spoil the ones I love,  but I hate it because it is another day that requires thoughtful gifts and money spending.
Don't get me wrong, I love spoiling J. I just wish it wasn't because of the pressure of a cheesy holiday. I also am NOT a big romance person (I tease J for being cheesy romantic) so a holiday where the key idea is to be as romantic as possible isn't really my cup of tea.
Who knows? Maybe J. can change my mind about this day.  I'll update you lovely readers tomorrow!

Thorn in My Side

So, in case you didn't know, there is a giant monkey on my back.
This monkey is known as "The Thesis".
So, back when I was a sweet little 17 year old idiot, I decided joining the honors program at my college was a great idea.  It was supposed to be fun, and look great on resumes.
It was all fun times and happy go lucky until junior year. They warn you about the thesis, mention it as a side note, but they encourage not worrying about it until your junior year.
then, BAM.
it's all thesis. all the time.
So. Anywho. This is a big deal. Right now, I am still researching how to do my research. I am stuck at my literature review, slugging through books such as Discourse Analysis: A Toolkit, and Composition Research.  I am trying to find some way to get myself motivated to even get this thing written sloppily, words just thrown on the page, but I can't.
I'm stuck, but I've got a few ideas on how to unstick myself. 
So, if you only hear from me in sporadic spurts, you can understand why. Thesis owns my life right now.
My goal is to finish the first draft before I start my new position. Wish me luck!

Currently

Watching: Oh goodness. I may be a TV addict... I am currently making my way through Friday Night Lights on DVD, Army Wives on Netflix, and a kajillion shows on Hulu: New Girl, Nashville, 90210, Glee, Bones, Once Upon a Time, Castle, Biggest Loser, Smash, Grey's Anatomy, and there's probably more that I'm forgetting....
Reading: Okay before you judge me for being a brainless TV watching drone, I do read too! I am trying to get through multiple books at once, actually. I'm reading The Casual Vacancy (love Rowling, having a hard time with a Muggle book), The Loop, Pendragon: The Merchant of Death, and about 10 books about linguistic and composition research for my thesis (update tomorrow!)
Listening to: Christina Perri, Halestorm, and Macklemore, constantly on repeat. My boyfriend has gotten a little tired of my cd selection in the car....
Excited about: My new job! I currently work part time at a medical facility, but starting next month I will be full time in a different department. It's a slightly similar position, but I have a LOT to learn. I am excited to be a full time, 8-5 girl with my weekends free! My current position is nights and weekends, and the end time depends on when another department releases us.
Thinking about: Life in general. Since my thesis is due next month (gulp) I have been trying to figure out what is next for me. I don't know what the future holds, and that terrifies me. I've been in school since I was 2 - I don't know how to live without a deadline. After this, what's next?
Thanks, Danielle, for the idea!

The ABCs of Me

Okay, I'm copping out here....

I have seen this post floating around and figured, well, might as well do something for the readers while I'm stuck in this writing rut!

So, since there's a few new followers around here, I figured this is a great way to introduce myself.

The ABCs of Heidi:

Age - 21

Bed size - Full - my apartment is way too small for anything comfortable ;)  

Chore you hate -  Dishes! Give me any other chore, even cleaning the cat box, please!  

Dogs - Not at the moment. Well, my parents have 3 - Callie & Hobbes at my dad's, Milo (aka Stinks) at my mom's.

Essential start to your day - Brushing my teeth. I feel awful until I can kill that dragon breath

Favorite color -  Red. The brighter the better.

Gold or silver - Silver. It just works better for me

Height - 5'10"

Instruments you play - Does a glass bottle flute count?? Haha I am tone deaf. Tried to play flute and saxophone, but that didn't last long.

Job title - Imaging Office Specialist... for 3 more weeks! Then I am switching to a full time Medical Office Specialist - more hours, and my weekends back!

Kids - Someday. Still figuring out taking care of just me!

Live - Oregon! My whole life

Married - Not yet ;) Someday, hopefully. 

Nicknames - Mostly people just call me by my last name. 

Overnight hospital stays - none. Well, I spent the night in my grandma's hotel room, but no overnight scares for this girl. 

Pet peeve - hearing people eat. chewing is just gross!

Righty or lefty -  righty

Siblings - 2 sisters, 3 stepbrothers 

Time you wake up - Varies every day. Lately, 7:30 is a common time. 

University attended - Western Oregon University

Vegetables you dislike - Cooked green beans. Love them raw, hate them cooked.

What makes you run late - I hate being late. That being said, running around trying not to be late usually makes me late! 

X-rays you’ve had - chest, knee, arm.... probably a lot more, but I can't seem to remember right now.

Yummy food - Almost all! I'm finding lately that I crave granola bars, salad, and steak.

Zoo animal favorite - elephants! My favorite animal is a ladybug, but they aren't a special zoo animal...

Dark Days

Do you ever have one of those days that just pop up outta nowhere and hit you?
That was Tuesday for me.
It should have been a great day. Monday, I had a job interview, followed by lunch/thesis prep with a good friend, dinner with my married friends, and a much needed catch up chat with a girlie I'd been missing.
I should have been flying high, busting out work on my thesis (I found out the first draft is due in March, not May, so I need to get my butt in gear!)
Instead, I woke up Tuesday morning and hit a wall. I couldn't drag myself out of bed for longer than a trip to the kitchen for snack. I was alternating between sleep and panic. I had received a call that I had a follow up interview on Wednesday, so I should have been stoked. Instead I was panicked, freaked out that the interviewers were going to think I'm not ready. I thought they might tell me I wasn't ready for the grown up job, that this was too difficult a job and too big of a commitment for me. 
I didn't pull myself out of bed and into the shower until well after 5 pm.  Even then, it was a challenge. If J. hadn't been texting me all day to check in on me, I probably never would have crawled out of my covers. I just didn't want to face the fact that I was completely alone in my world, with no human contact at all beyond my cell phone screen. 
Some days, I just can't handle being alone. I can't seem to deal with getting up and being responsible.
Some days, that's okay.
Luckily for me, as time goes on, these days get fewer and far between. 
Someday, maybe, I can avoid a dark day, alone in my bed with my Nutella and Wheat Thins for comfort.
Someday.
So, readers, I have a question for you.
Do you ever have dark days? If so, how do you handle them? Do you have any tried and true techniques to kick a funk and function? 
Please, email me if you have any tips, as I can use all the help I can get with this. 

I seem to be getting worse at this.

I used to be awesome at remembering birthdays, even pre-Facebook. I can still tell you every single one of my ex-boyfriends' birthdays. However, lately, my brain has been completely gone on the date.
So, this is three days late, but...
HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY LITTLE BLOG OF MINE!
I can't believe I have been at this for three years now. My little space of the internet has grown from having absolutely no idea of what I am doing to...
well, still not sure what I am doing here, but whatever it is helps keep me sane!
This little page of mine has been my venting place, the place I go to straighten out my thoughts. 90% of the time I delete the posts instead of publishing them, but writing them out helps.
This may not be the most picture heavy, or the most interesting blog, but it's mine, and that is enough for me.

Howdy, 2013

Adios, 2012.  Okay, so to celebrate this new year, I'm gonna go Raven style and do gratitude and gripes of 2012.
Gripes:
1) Cancer struck again, this time on my mama's ta-tas. Stupid cancer. To quote Rockstar Ronan, FU CANCER!! 2) Being broke 99.9% of the year. yaaaay college fees. 3) Moving and paying rent on 2 apartments for the month of December. blech. 4) Spring term killed me. 5) Fall term killed me. 6) Family drama.
Gratitudes:
1) Met J. Started dating J. Fell in love with J.  2) My birthday cruise! See recaps here, here, here, here, here, and here! 3) I graduated....somewhat 4) My internship, building this website, and organizing a conference - definitely worth the tuition fees and stress. 5) My first blogger gift exchange, a surprise award, writing my first guest post, and winning my first giveaway 6) Finally getting up the nerve to email Suz instead of just stalking her blog and hoping to magically become her friend. Well, 2012 was an...odd...year. I guess odd is the best term I can think of, since it's been up and down nonstop. For 2013, I am hoping to slow down and actually get some stuff on my to-do list knocked off for good. Now, I have to make a to-do list... (details, details...)
I hope y'all had a good holiday season, and here's to being a better blogger (hopefully)!